Online dating matchmakers

How I Help: For more than 20 years, Julie Spira has been helping singles on the dating scene with her signature Irresistible Profiles and Irresistible Coaching programs. She's the online dating expert at Julie was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and is the host of Online Dating BootCamp and Mobile Dating BootCamp. Online Dating Services in North York, ON. See BBB rating, reviews, complaints, & more. ... 2017 I met with ***** from Toronto Matchmakers and agreed to the service of 8 referrals for which I paid ... Matchmakers Dating are putting extra steps into our matchmaking process, to ensure we can continue to offer a seamless service during the world heath crisis. Alex Rollisson, Senior Membership Adviser, explains how we have enhanced our service, to enable you to continue to meet people, safely and confidentially, without any sort of online ... Welcome to, a free online dating site for Vegans and Vegetarians. Our IJL certified matchmakers create a dating experience personalized just for you. High Touch Service. From match selection to restaurant reservations. We are your dating concierge. Spend your time dating instead of searching. Private. No online dating profile for the world to see. 29 Years’ Experience working with single professionals. It ... While we encourage you to meet other singles in a variety of ways, we believe our style of matchmaking gives you a safer experience compared to online dating. We meet everyone in person, require multiple forms of identification and conduct a personal background screening on all of our clients. Learn more Scott is the Founder and President of VIDA. Since 2009, he’s been hard at work taking VIDA’s systems, strategies, and success rate to the next level. Helping people get the dates of their dreams online is his greatest passion, and he’s recognized by the media as one of the world’s foremost online dating experts. Being matchmakers for business professionals who have little time or interest in online dating sites, swipe-apps or the old bar scene, it is the personal attention and successful methodology which makes it an elite matchmaking service and a more exclusive type of matchmaking agency. Matchmakers have the ability to develop an insightful sense of what makes their clients tick romantically in a more nuanced way than they—or their best-intentioned of friends—can do. Selected for a host of uniquely applicable skills and characteristics, our matchmakers come from diverse professional backgrounds. Online dating is convenient, simple, fast and cheap (compared to matchmakers), and it’s simply just way too easy for anyone to create a website. No need for a psychology degree or family pedigree…you just need a great developer.

The Subreddit for Meeting People

2011.11.22 06:20 Meades_Loves_Memes The Subreddit for Meeting People

Here at /MeetPeople you can find people from everywhere to talk to, or hang out with!

2020.10.19 11:28 shunilm Mobile Dating- Relevant yet? Here is explanation.

Mobile Dating- Relevant yet? Here is explanation.
People, as the pandemic has paralyzed them are leaning towards mobile dating and online dating services, let's see whats the future holds for this genre of lovemaking. mobile dating (or Internet dating) is a framework that empowers individuals to discover and acquaint themselves with possible hookups over the Internet, ordinarily with the objective of creating individual, sentimental, or sexual connections. A web-based dating administration is an organization that gives explicit instruments (for the most part sites or programming applications) for web-based dating using Internet-associated PCs or cell phones. Such organizations offer a wide assortment of underrated matchmaking administrations, a large portion of which are profile-based.

Source= Showbiz
Internet dating administrations permit clients to become "individuals" by making a profile and transferring individual data including (however not restricted to) age, sex, sexual direction, area, and appearance. Most administrations additionally urge individuals to add photographs or recordings to their profile. When a profile has been made, individuals can see the profiles of different individuals from the administration, utilizing the noticeable profile data to choose whether or not to start contact. Most administrations offer computerized informing, while others offer extra types of assistance, for example, webcasts, online visits, phone talk (VOIP), and message sheets. Individuals can oblige their connections to the online space, or they can organize a date to meet face to face.
An extraordinary variety of internet dating administrations at present exists. Some have an expansive participation base of various clients searching for a wide range of kinds of connections. Different destinations target profoundly explicit socioeconomic dependent on highlights like shared interests, area, religion, sexual direction, or relationship type. Internet dating administrations likewise vary broadly in their income streams. A few locales are totally free and rely upon promoting income. Others use the premium income model, offering free enrollment and use, with discretionary, paid, premium administrations. Still, others depend exclusively on paid participation memberships.
submitted by shunilm to u/shunilm [link] [comments]

2020.10.19 01:32 JFSoul Ideas & Feature Requests (October 2020)

Hey everyone. This is still a work in progress as I try to organize Pixonic Suggestions to bring in some structure. I'll try to get Pixonic to respond directly to them but if they don't I'll attempt to track any progress to the best of my ability. This will be linked to the weekly suggestions thread by the auto-moderator. Be sure to use the "Pixonic Suggestion" flair so I can easily sort through all the suggestions!
Ideas & Feature Requests
This thread is a place where you can discuss your ideas for the game or request features you would like to see in coming versions of the game.
This sub appreciates any contributions you can make to existing ideas, but we suggest you do not post your idea before reviewing previous Pixonic ideas / suggestions threads. It is highly likely another Commander already submitted the same idea!
Please be aware that posting a ruled out idea may result in your thread being removed altogether and posting an idea already suggested might result in your thread being closed with a reference back to this thread.
A few tips to submitting an idea or suggestion:
Title: Choose a good title - be very specific. Instead of naming your thread "suggestion", "idea", try something like "Ao Mings are Over Powered." This will help other users find and contribute to your thread, and drive more discussion around the topic.
Point: Use clear, concise points or explanations, concept art or screenshots where applicable. General, unspecific, high-level ideas are great, but the Pixonic team can't do much without the proper information!
"I think Ao Mings are way too powerful for the current META landscape. Their appearance in battle makes the game tiresome for me.
Suggestion: Give constructive and helpful suggestions that are realistic. Why will the idea work?"Decrease the Ao Ming's durability or nerf Titan Plasma weapons"
For all, keep in mind Pixonic is a business. I realize many of us have little experience in owning a gaming company, but try to consider how Pixonic would make a profit or be successful in the business model when giving a suggestion. Pixonic wants players spending money AND playing a lot--so how does your suggestion support that?
Threads will be removed if it includes profanity and / or insults. Comments like "make everything for free" or "XXX (i.e. Matchmaking, the game, targeting, etc.) sucks--solution: make the game better." will just be deleted.
Given the nature of the game the developers and producers cannot always say what is coming in the next version or what is being worked on. Also, please don't expect a response to every thread or idea. The best ideas will be discussed frequently by the Community and will surface to the top in that manner. Do not spam your thread or ideas just because no one is responding!
Frequently Requested Ideas
Below are ideas submitted by users for Pixonic to consider. It does not imply they are being worked on. Please do a search before starting new feature requests, especially if they are listed below.
These ideas and suggestions are either acknowledged and are being worked on, or have been ruled out by the dev team for the time being. Posting these ideas may result in your thread being removed without notice.
Frequently Requested:

Ruled Out (for now):

submitted by JFSoul to walkingwarrobots [link] [comments]

2020.10.18 22:11 Street_Narwhal_3361 Matchmaking services

Has anyone used a matchmaker service? I haven’t dated in 11 years and online dating seems riddled with absolute chores.
submitted by Street_Narwhal_3361 to FemaleDatingStrategy [link] [comments]

2020.10.18 03:54 knockturnal Okoberfest / Oktoberfest 2020 cEDH Tournament Results! 118 players with a surprising top 4

Reposting the text from to our Thief of Crowns - u/Tsunami (egovinco) who won playing [[Kinnan, Bonder Prodigy]]!!!Thank you everyone for a successful tournament! With 118 participants, this represents the world's BIGGEST online cEDH tournament to date.
Congratulations to our 3 finalists:
And finally congratulations to our remaining Top 13!
I want to thank our staff: Joking101 (Matchmaker), ZeldaZach (Head of Cockatrice Rooster Ranges), firerif and daviD (Server Admins)...
Our judges: Landon "Libby" Liberator (Head Judge) and Floor Judges Atherium, 5erpent, Cupcake, and Tylord2894...
Big Richie and cEDH_Nexus for twitch streaming and event coverage...
Ryan and PlayingWithPower for promoting our event...
CompetitiveEDH and the cEDH community, including those who have played an integral part in making this tournament possible (ahem asm for creating the Isperia bot), and last but not least....
Cockatrice Rooster Ranges and our moderators, purple shirts (donors), and green shirts for allowing online Magic to thrive during these dark and miserable times.
Over the next week, do not be surprised if people start posting their individual reports on Reddit, as this was a pretty huge event. Joking101 will also be spearheading the Post-Tourney Research Team. Please contact either him or me if you want in!
If you were part of this event, please take the time to provide feedback using this survey:
EDIT: All the discord @ became so I tried to fix the names I knew!
submitted by knockturnal to EDH [link] [comments]

2020.10.18 02:13 isleep2late Okoberfest / Oktoberfest 2020 cEDH Post-Tourney Announcement!

Congratulations to our Thief of Crowns - @Tsunami (egovinco) who won playing Kinnan, Bonder Prodigy!!!

Thank you everyone for a successful tournament! With 118 participants, this represents the world's BIGGEST online cEDH tournament to date.

Congratulations to our 3 finalists:
And finally congratulations to our remaining Top 13!
I want to thank our staff: Joking101 (Matchmaker), ZeldaZach (Head of Cockatrice Rooster Ranges), firerif and daviD (Server Admins)...
Our judges: Landon "Libby" Liberator (Head Judge) and Floor Judges Atherium, 5erpent, Cupkate, Looter-Scooter, and Tylord2894...
cEDH_Nexus and Playing with Power for promoting our event...
/CompetitiveEDH and the cEDH community, including those who have played an integral part in making this tournament possible (ahem asm for creating the Isperia bot), and last but not least....
Cockatrice Rooster Ranges and our moderators, purple shirts (donors), and green shirts for allowing online Magic to thrive during these dark and miserable times.
Over the next week, do not be surprised if people start posting their individual reports on Reddit, as this was a pretty huge event. Joking101 will also be spearheading the Post-Tourney Research Team. Please contact either him or me if you want in!
If you were part of this event, please take the time to provide feedback using this survey:
submitted by isleep2late to CompetitiveEDH [link] [comments]

2020.10.16 12:26 Endpoint_ Why is matchmaking so poor?

MCC on PC.
I have posted about this before. But getting into games can take sooooo long. My friends have the same experience and they just give up and go on something else after 20 minutes of waiting...
For example, according to Steam Charts there are 3.8k online right now (excluding the unknown figures of the MS store owners - and anyone playing campaing, I guess). I just searched for every game mode across every existing game for 8v8 and found NOTHING in 20 minutes... I managed to get into a 4v4 reluctantly and instantly 2 people quit... So what is the point. I've just gone off completely now because it's always like this.
I feel like this is the biggest let down of this game. To be honest it's one of the big reasons I don't play it much anymore. It's a shame because with Halo 4 coming, cross-play and all of the cosmetic updates I just want to play. It's so frustrating. Have any problems with matchmaking been acknowledged at all? I feel like this dates back to 2014 when I played it at launch on the XB1, it was just as bad then.
Before anyone comes in with a series of troubleshooting steps. I never do or have had problems with any other game where there is a healthy playerbase.
submitted by Endpoint_ to HaloMCCollection [link] [comments]

2020.10.16 07:50 MambaMentaIity Let /r/CatholicDating review your online dating profile! - October 2020 edition

(Note on the title: "Let /CatholicDating review..." includes you guys as well, not just the mod team!)
It's a common concern with online dating. Guys aren't getting any matches, and ladies can't seem to properly screen out the respectable men from the creeps. Perhaps you think your profile looks fine, but a member of the opposite sex would argue differently. In general, people don't seem to get the responses they were hoping for from online dating.
So, we're restarting this service! In the comments, if you would like to participate, please provide screenshots of your dating profile, hosted somewhere like (not all of us have accounts on dating sites and hence won't be able to view a link to your profile). We (meaning everyone on this sub) can offer you some hopefully friendly critiques, such as how you take your selfies, the clothes you wear, the fish you're holding in your first picture, how you write your biography, et cetera.
(By the way, this thread will replace the matchmaker form this month. Hence, "October 2020 edition". Classes are in full gear for me right now so there is probably no way I can run that form this month, wew! We'll experiment, but this may be one type of thread that replaces matchmaker forms in months where I'm too busy to run it.)
submitted by MambaMentaIity to CatholicDating [link] [comments]

2020.10.14 06:41 SkoivanSchiem Bloons TD 6 is the pinnacle of tower defense games and a perfect example of a game that's easy to get into but hard to master.

I'm not sure how I got to searching for "title:Bloons OR title:BTD" on this subreddit, but I did, and when I discovered that not a single thread has been created here about this game/series, I ended up being disappointed, but also thrilled at the prospect of bringing it up for the first time on this sub and hearing what others have to say about it.
See, I love defense games. It dates back to the days of me playing Elemental Tower Defense maps on Warcraft 3. I love the strategy of it, and I was glad to see how the genre has developed through the years. Admittedly, it got to a point where ideas mostly ran out for the genre and the market ended up being flooded with very similar games. So for Bloons TD 6 to come out in 2018 and still manage to deliver the fun and replayability that the best tower defense games have to offer was huge. It's not really that different from previous Bloons installments, but it refines, updates and polishes the Bloons formula into what is arguably the definitive game in the series.
The game features:
Does it have IAP? It has IAPs, which owes to its mobile roots, with things you can purchase to make you progress faster.
Is it grindy? Sure. I've been playing on and off since 2018, I'm pushing towards 2000 games played and am Level 135 on my account and I haven't unlocked everything in the game. It's grindy but it isn't tedious since the game has a lot of features to keep it fresh and challenging.
The game is great because it's really simple to play. You can get hundred of hours with steady progression from it even if you play casually and not exactly think too much about what monkeys to use and what upgrade paths to take, even having only a rudimentary knowledge of how the game works. Yet, on the other end of the spectrum, there's a level of knowledge which involves knowing exactly how much DPS a monkey will have with certain upgrades and support; knowing what bloons come out in certain rounds and how much coins that round will generate which in turn informs the order you should build and upgrade your monkeys for maximum efficiency; also knowing how to build the strongest tower in the game (a fully upgraded tower of the vengeful monkey); how to micromanage abilities/buy-and-selling monkeys at certain rounds to overcome specific challenges, and really much more.
submitted by SkoivanSchiem to patientgamers [link] [comments]

2020.10.12 01:04 marriagealready Parents (M, F 60) trying to get men to like me (F, 26) for marriage

So ever since I was in college and started my job, my parents have wanted marriage to be the next step. My starting salary is ok at this point since it does take a while to move up but I’m progressing.
Btw, we are from a culture that sees men as assets for the elderly and women move into their husbands house after marriage and are taught to take care of the house, his parents and have a job. However I was raised in a first world country.
They want to find a guy for me with stability who is going to give me a nice life so I don’t have to worry about money. We have even gone to the homeland to meet men who are doctors and whether I like them so they can come to my country and work and keep me stable.
I’ve met so many guys through the matchmaking profile they made and the one constant is why are these guys not liking me and what I can do to make them like me. No comment on the quality of guys. There have been comments on my:
Appearance, clothes, weight and how I need to dress better, put on makeup, heels, shave legs
Intelligence (If a guy who is a engineedoctor rejects me I must have not been smart enough for him)
Cooking (I need to learn how to cook for my future family)
Need to have a nurturing, wifely personality so the dude gets attached to the treatment and picks me. Need to make him feel good
Need to respond immediately if he texts but it’s ok if he does not do the same because we want it more
Need to move in with his parents and him
Need to ignore some sexism and if he is super close with his parents , he will eventually learn to put me as a priority
Need to learn how to do wifey things like put his glass away for him , was given training on this
Need to invite him to come meet me if not responding by texts. There was a point where my dad was checking texts to see what I was doing wrong.
I never really cared about what men thought of me and want a connection with someone. I’ve never really dated and have few friends.
I also think this is training me to be desperate and accept any treatment from a man. I definitely notice people pleasing tendencies in me and lack of confidence from parents criticizing me. I can not establish healthy boundaries and don’t want my husband to have the same level of control my parents do for me.
I feel like this is affecting my mental health. I fear I would tolerate even abusive relationships. I’m honestly put off by the mostly immigrant men I meet from my culture since they seem to have those expectations as well for a wife. I don’t think it’s worth marrying in my culture if the men are like this.
Every time the man has a flaw it is ignored or downplayed whereas the focus is more on what flaws he sees in me and whether I am qualified or good enough for him. They put these guys on a pedestal since it is like they are transferring my responsibility from them to him.
They started these online accounts for me in college and it’s been 10 years almost so I get they are desperate for me to find someone. However this topic has caused so much stress and fighting for us both. The fact that they need to be sensitive goes over their head. What should I do ?
Tl;dr — immigrant parents and marriage woes
submitted by marriagealready to relationships [link] [comments]

2020.10.11 18:36 JFSoul Ideas / Suggestions and Feedback

Hey everyone. Based on your feedback I'm proposing this idea to the Pix CMs:
"I used to play Clash of Clans (5 years) and was a moderator / Game Specialist for their forum. I stopped playing 3 years ago, but one of the things I liked about their forum is the suggestion page.

They have FAQs, previously suggested ideas, and ideas that were ruled out. I would be willing to help maintain something like that here or in Reddit if you like. Thoughts?"

Will see how it goes.
For now I plan to organize the weekly Pixonic Suggestions thread to bring in some structure, and will keep a pinned thread in the menu links to track them. I'll try to get Pixonic to respond directly to them but if they don't I'll attempt to track any progress to the best of my ability.
Let me know if you have any thoughts.
Here is my draft:
Ideas & Feature Requests
This thread is a place where you can discuss your ideas for the game or request features you would like to see in coming versions of the game.
This sub appreciates any contributions you can make to existing ideas, but we suggest you do not post your idea before reviewing previous Pixonic ideas / suggestions threads. It is highly likely another Commander already submitted the same idea!
Please be aware that posting a ruled out idea may result in your thread being removed altogether and posting an idea already suggested might result in your thread being closed with a reference back to this thread.
A few tips to submitting an idea or suggestion:
Title: Choose a good title - be very specific. Instead of naming your thread "suggestion", "idea", try something like "Ao Mings are Over Powered." This will help other users find and contribute to your thread, and drive more discussion around the topic.
Point: Use clear, concise points or explanations, concept art or screenshots where applicable. General, unspecific, high-level ideas are great, but the Pixonic team can't do much without the proper information!
"I think Ao Mings are way too powerful for the current META landscape. Their appearance in battle makes the game tiresome for me.
Suggestion: Give constructive and helpful suggestions that are realistic. Why will the idea work?"Decrease the Ao Ming's durability or nerf Titan Plasma weapons"
Threads will be removed if it includes profanity and / or insults.
Given the nature of the game the developers and producers cannot always say what is coming in the next version or what is being worked on. Also, please don't expect a response to every thread or idea. The best ideas will be discussed frequently by the Community and will surface to the top in that manner. Do not spam your thread or ideas just because no one is responding!
Frequently Requested Ideas
Below are ideas submitted by users for Pixonic to consider. It does not imply they are being worked on. Please do a search before starting new feature requests, especially if they are listed below.
These ideas and suggestions are either acknowledged and are being worked on, or have been ruled out by the dev team for the time being. Posting these ideas may result in your thread being removed without notice.
Frequently Requested:
submitted by JFSoul to walkingwarrobots [link] [comments]

2020.10.10 23:43 500scnds [Table] I’m Dr. Samantha Joel. My team and I use AI to predict the relationship satisfaction of 11,000 couples - AMA!

Clarification from the researcher regarding the title:
... The decision to put "AI" in the title was made by the media team in order to shorten the title. Although it's technically correct ... "Machine learning" is a more accurate descriptor.
Questions Answers
Hi! Thanks for doing this AMA. What would you say is the biggest takeaway for a couple based on the results of your study? And is there anything a single person should take from it while looking for a partner? If I'm understanding it correctly, it looks like a lot of the factors that lead to success are things it might not be easy to evaluate until you've actually been in a relationship with someone for a bit. Thank you! I think the biggest takeaway, to paraphrase my old friend and colleague Geoff MacDonald, is that the person you choose may not be as important as the relationship you build. As a culture, we put so much emphasis on choosing the right person. These results suggest that it’s really more important to be the right person. To create the conditions that will allow a relationship to flourish.
In terms of your point about evaluations, this is something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about myself. Can a relationship be objectively evaluated—are some partnerships inherently better than others--and if so, when do these objective criteria first come online? This is somewhere my students and I would really like to take our research next. We want to recruit couples in brand new relationships and study how they evaluate each other for compatibility and fit, and how those evaluations change as the relationship develops.
We were supposed to launch the study in March, but it got stalled due to COVID. Hopefully soon we’ll be able to open the lab up again, and I’ll have some more concrete answers for you.
Did any of your couples include arranged marriages? I ask this because my husband and I both come from cultures with a high degree of parental/community involvement in matchmaking. Without even planning to do so, we did effectively the same thing to ourselves. I told him on our first date (set up by our friend community) that I was only interested in someone who was serious about marriage/kids and he agreed. We operated under the idea that we would do our best to build a healthy relationship that would end in marriage and I think that mindset is key to us having such a happy, healthy, and satisfied relationship now. I would be curious to see if other couples who were in either arranged marriages (willfully) or had a very strong marriage goal early on had the same results as couples who did not. Not to my knowledge. Our data were from Canada, the US, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Israel, and Switzerland. Very Western-centric, as you can see, so they don't lend themselves well to cross-cultural research questions.
Arranged marriages have always intrigued me, and a long-term research goal of mine is to prospectively follow people in arranged marriages and compare their trajectories to the trajectories of self-selected marriages.
The existing literature that I know of on arranged marriage--and it's not a very large literature-- has produced pretty mixed findings. Some studies have compared people in arranged vs. self-selected marriages and found no differences in relationship quality. Some have found higher quality for the self-selected marriages. Some studies have shown different results depending on which marital quality measure you use, or on how you define "arranged". So it's very much a topic in need of further research.
As a single person looking for a long-term relationship the results of this study mean I could be happy with literally anybody? Aren't there some people who would be more likely to appreciate me and act in ways that show me they're committed to our relationship? (and vice versa) That’s really hard to say. One of the limitations of the project is self-selection – we only looked at couples who are already together. We didn’t, say, pair people at random. If we had, we might have found much stronger partner effects. So, there may very well be plenty of people who you wouldn’t match well with, but those people are selected out by the time you enroll in our study.
What the results do suggest is that by the time you’re in a sufficiently established partnership to enroll in a research study together, your partner’s traits aren’t very important anymore.
Really, we need a lot more research on the early relationship stages—how do these relationship dynamics form in the first place?—to produce a satisfying answer to your question.
Have you found that the partnerships need to have a similar understanding of what the commitment translates to? For example, putting equal effort into maintaining the home, or equal involvement with children. Do any of the studies collect information to confirm or deny the reliability of zodiac sign (eastern and western) compatibility? For participants who had a “type” they were attracted to while dating, did their significant other match that description? This is one of the more interesting aspects of the findings, IMO – we did not find any evidence for any kind of partner matching predicting relationship quality.
The algorithm we were using detects interactions. So if my traits and preferences match with your traits and preferences to predict relationship quality, we should have picked up on that. For example, if Andrea says she likes extraverted guys, and she’s happy with Tom because he’s an extraverted guy, we should have found that putting Andrea’s desired extraversion and Tom’s own extraversion into the same model would have predicted more variance than either on its own. But that’s not what happens. Combining both partner’s variables didn’t predict more variance than just one partner’s variables. So that goes against the idea of matching, similarity, having a type, etc. If there was any matching going on, it didn’t predict how happy people were with their partners.
the below is a reply to the above
Very thought provoking. Have you been able to find evidence that predicts the relationship quality? And thank you for doing this AMA! Relationship-specific variables did a great job of predicting relationship quality. Your own perceptions of the relationship--such as your own sexual satisfaction, how much conflict you think there is in the relationship, and how committed you think your partner is--predicted 45% of the variance in your own relationship quality, at the beginning of the study. These same variables also predicted 18% of relationship satisfaction at the end of the study.
And in fact, no other variables added to that total variance explained. Not your traits, not your partner’s traits, and not your partner’s perceptions of the relationship. All of the effects were driven by own judgments about the relationship.
the below is a reply to the above
So, basically, if one is in a relationship and they are making the point to perceive themselves as in a happy relationship, they will be. How much does it matter to the success of the relationship if one perceives themselves positively but the other does not? That’s a great question. My team and I were surprised that the partner’s perceptions of the relationship predicted so much less variance than own perceptions. Own perceptions of the relationship predicted 45% of the variance in relationship quality, but the partner’s perceptions (measured with the exact same variables!) predicted only 15%.
That difference suggests that there’s a pretty big discrepancy in those ratings--how you perceive the relationship is not necessarily how your partner perceives it. It’s not clear at this point what the implications of those discrepancies are, or where they come from, but that would be a great topic for future research. How can two people be in the same relationship, and disagree so much about what it’s like?
the below is another reply to the original answer
I'm an extrovert and I've been intensely unhappy dating introverts. So this seems to go against my own experiences, because there's not enough in common between us to keep a relationship going, and I don't feel that they care about me enough to compromise (e.g. they agree to attend game night with me once a month vs weekly). I think this really highlights that self-selection problem I mentioned—your relationships with introverts may not last long enough to be included in a study like this, which means those data are not part of the results. That’s why I really want to see more data on fledging relationships. I’d love to enroll you in a study at the point when you have just started dating an introvert, and ask you about your experiences over those few ephemeral weeks or months that the relationship lasts before it fizzles out. Those sorts of data are so difficult to collect but I think they’re a really important piece of the puzzle.
the below is a reply to the above
Well I've been with my introverted husband for nine years. We've decided just recently that separation is probably the best course of action in the future (neither of us want to make such a large decision right now, in the midst of the world being on pause and both of us being depressed about it). I'm really sorry to hear that, Transplanted_Cactus.
Why do you think that it's so difficult to predict which relationships will work out well, and which won't? (whether using AI or not) Thanks for doing the AMA! That’s a great question. I think when it comes to relationship quality and longevity, there are a lot of chaotic processes at work that make long-term prediction difficult. Stressors and life events that come up, idiosyncratic experiences that you might happen to have with your partner, other people who may enter or exit your life and who give you different perspectives and ways of thinking about the partnership, etc.
So we can predict the aspects of the relationship that are stable, but they also change over time in unpredictable ways. I think that’s because the changes are largely driven by these kinds of environmental and contextual factors that are very difficult to measure, let alone predict.
the below is a reply to the question
Dr. John Gottman has been able to predict divorce with 94% accuracy. Check him out, his books are fantastic! I can't speak to Gottman's books, which I'm sure are fantastic. But, from what I can tell, his claim that he can predict divorce with 94% accuracy comes from this study of 52 couples, published in 1992:
13.5% of the sample had divorced over a three-year period, or 7 couples. After the data were already in hand, the researchers used a discriminant function analysis with nine predictors to predict which couples divorced, with 93.6% accuracy.
This model suffers from a statistical problem called overfitting. With a small sample size, and a technique that doesn't use any kind of cross-validation, you can essentially keep adding predictors until you explain close to 100% of the variance. We call that a saturated model. Almost all the variance has technically been "explained", but only for the very specific sample that the model was built on. If I went and recruited 52 new couples, and applied this exact same model to those data, the accuracy would likely be much less - likely closer to 86.5% (which is the baseline here - you get 86.5% accuracy if you simply predict that no one gets divorced).
Tldr Although I have lots of respect for Gottman, I am incredibly dubious of that 94% claim.
Thanks for doing this Dr. Joel! Very interesting research. What made you think machine learning would be a good way to study the success of romantic relationships? Well, traditional statistical methods that we use in this field—like regression and multilevel modelling--are really great for delving into the mechanisms or inner workings of a handful of variables. But, they aren’t very good at dealing with a large number of variables at once.
The major advantage of machine learning is that it can handle a very large number of predictors, and tell you which ones are really driving prediction, as well as how well they are performing as a group. So, the goal of the project was to take all of the many many variables that have already been examined in separate studies, and make them directly compete for that variance. Which of these hundreds of measures are most important, and when taken as a whole, how well do they perform?
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Really interesting work and I really appreciate the approachable explanations. Out of curiosity, what kind of machine learning are you using? How many features are you starting with and how are those coded? We conducted the analyses with Random Forests, using the randomForests package in R. Each dataset was collected by a different team of researchers and therefore had different predictors - typically ~50 variables per dataset, which we manually coded into either features of the self or features of the relationship. We also used the VSURF package to initially pair down the number of predictors in each model.
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Got it thank you! Why did you choose random forests? Key advantages: it can handle a very large number of predictors at once, it's able to capture non-linear effects and interactions, and its use of out-of-bag sampling helps to minimize overfitting issues.
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Just for clarity, these aren't advantages that are unique to random forests at all. Instead, with a dataset like yours, any choice of standard classical classifier should have performed similarly. The random forest is nice because it lends itself to interpretability of feature importance through the GINI coefficient, and doesnt require a separate feature selector. I'm wondering why you called it AI in the post though? In the machine learning community, we wouldnt call this AI. I'm not sure if you're aware, but the public perception that this kind of thing is AI has been harmful to our field. Our dependent measure was continuous, so this was random forests built on regression trees, rather than classification trees. But yes - plenty of other ML methods likely would have done a fine job.
The decision to put "AI" in the title was made by the media team in order to shorten the title. Although it's technically correct, I do agree with you that it's a stretch. "Machine learning" is a more accurate descriptor.
Do these factors change in order of importance with age? Is there any set of factors that predicts divorce? In fact, age was one of the only demographic variables that performed well in our models. Age contributed to 68% of the models we tested. Now, machine learning is pretty black boxy, so we can’t tell you exactly what age is doing in these models. But it’s quite possible that it’s a moderator of a lot of the other variables—that different variables are important for relationship quality depending on your age.
We did not try to predict divorce or breakups in these models. Other papers have done that though, although not with machine learning. Karney & Bradbury 1995 ( ) is, I believe, still the most comprehensive paper to date on the predictors of divorce. Le et al 2010 ( is the best paper on predictors of breakups.
Top predictors of divorce and breakups tend to be global evaluations of the relationship. Variables like how satisfied you are in the relationship, and how committed you are to the relationship. That’s part of why we focused on these outcome variables in our project.
Hello, Very interesting findings! What would you suggest single people using tinder etc should make sure to find out early / use in their “screening” process for best possible outcomes? Insofar as our data can speak to this (which is debatable), I would say you want to look for a partner who seems genuinely interested in you, who is good at perspective-taking with you, and who seems to be responsive to your needs. Someone who makes you feel understood, validated, and cared for. If I was a betting person, I would bet on those things.
How do control for the self-reported nature of the data? I would imagine people would be biased in their description of their current relationship compared to past relationships or the prospect of a future one. More plainly, I would expect Ex's to have a largely negative connotation and re-entering the dating pool requires substantial effort; so I may respond more positively about my current relationship. Absolutely – people tend to hold a lot of positive illusions about their romantic partners, and to perceive their partners in a highly biased way. But, I think I would push back on the idea that this is something that needs to be controlled for or somehow subtracted from the ratings. When we’re talking about relationship quality, really, perception is reality. You’re happy if you think you’re happy! It’s an inherently subjective construct.
I think that’s why own traits did such a better job of predicting relationship quality than the partner’s traits, in these analyses. Your own proneness to things like positive and negative affect are going to shape how you perceive your partner and the relationship, and therefore how satisfied you are with that relationship. To a large extent, we project our own personalities, feelings, biases, etc. onto our partners.
Dr. Joel! Really interesting research, I can't imagine the tenacity needed to collaborate and coordinate with so many researchers. Looking forward, what variables do you envision accounting for that initial spark between two people, before an established relationship exists? My colleagues and I looked at this very question in another project, where we applied machine learning to speed-dating data. These data were collected by Paul Eastwick (key player in the current project), and also by Eli Finkel. They had over a hundred measures in that study, which I fed into the algorithms. But, despite that, we found that we could not predict that initial spark at all. Zero variance explained.
What do you think of the ‘love languages’ and are there any parallels? The love languages are a really fun and intuitive concept. Unfortunately the scale on the website is, psychometrically speaking, a mess. One of the big problems with it is its forced choice format. It makes you choose between options in a way that artificially exaggerates your preference for one love language over another.
I saw a talk by a graduate student once who tried to validate a love languages scale and use it in her research. But when she measured the languages with a Likert scale, she got a huge ceiling effect. Everyone topped out on most of the languages, e.g., most everyone loves hugs, AND receiving presents, AND quality time etc. Basically, she found that everyone speaks every love language.
Are you against the Gottman research that’s been done and widely used as a relationship predictor? How is your work different and how is it the same? Thanks! IIRC, the Gottman findings you're referring to attempted to predict divorce, using coded interactions that were videotaped in the lab. That's pretty different from our project, which predicted relationship quality with primarily self-report variables. So, we can't directly speak to the veracity of Gottman's findings with these data.
I am personally quite skeptical about the claim that divorce can be predicted with 94% accuracy, using any combination of variables. That seems extremely high. The data and code supporting that claim are not available to my knowledge, but I suspect that the models may be quite overfitted to a particular dataset, and would thus have difficulty replicating in a different dataset.
If​ you​ were​ to​ give​ a​ teenager​ an​ advice​ about​ pursuing​ AI​ field, which​ courses​ or​ curriculum​s would​ you​ recommend​ both​ bachelor and​ master​ degree? This I can't say much about, as I took a pretty serendipitous route to learning about machine learning. My background is in psychology, which includes a lot of statistical training but not machine learning per se. I think it's safe to say that you can't go wrong with programming and statistics courses. If you learn some programming environments like maybe R or Python, and learn about some foundational statistical techniques like regression, that should give you a solid basis of knowledge.
What was your methodology for quantifying which factors are most predictive? Meaning, how did you model the data and how did you establish importance of each variable? The project included 43 longitudinal datasets. Each dataset included a large questionnaire collected at the beginning of the study (different measures in each study). We organized all measures collected at baseline into traits vs. relationship variables, reported by each partner. Then, we put different combinations of those groups of variables into Random Forests models to predict relationship satisfaction and commitment at the beginning vs. the end of the study. In total, we ran up to 42 Random Forest models on each study, then meta-analyzed the results.
The Random Forest algorithm pulls out the most important variables and lists them in their order of strength. It also tells you the total amount of variance explained.
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Thanks for the detailed response. Where would one be able to look up the details of the study such as how feature importance was computed (I assume based on decreasing node impurity), if results were cross validated (and how folds were created), and what the predictive performance of the classifiers was? I'm interested since the importance of the variables is only meaningful when the model has good generalization performance. I could not find such details when doing a quick keyword search on the paper. You can find all of the code and detailed results for each dataset here:
These are random forests built on regression trees, not classification trees, so feature importance is calculated based on reduction of the MSE. Results were not cross-validated - instead we relied on the models' out of bag performance (essentially, the technique tests each tree on a sample not used to construct the tree).
What would be more useful for growing a healthy relationship? 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? Well Dr. MacDonald, taking an academic approach to this question, I would have to say that having 1 horse-sized advisor would likely be more useful than 100 duck-sized advisors.
Did you study partners with open relationships? Do you believe that open relationships can be long lasting and fulfilling? Thank you for all the hard work. It's incredibly intriguing. I'll have a lot to read up on tonight. This project didn’t really touch on open relationships, but I have done other work in this area. A couple of years ago, one of my students recruited 233 people who were interested in opening up their relationships—but hadn’t done so yet—and tracked them over two months.
We found no differences in relationship quality between those who opened up over the course of the study and those who didn’t. We did find increases in sexual satisfaction for those who opened up. This is consistent with other, cross-sectional work on open relationships. So, we don’t have definitive answers yet, but so far, the data are looking promising for open relationships!
Hi Dr Joel, Thanks for the AMA. I was reading your paper, and its really interesting, could you please tell me what 'actor' and 'partner' variables/effects are? "Actor" refers to the person who's relationship quality we're predicting, and "partner" refers to their partner. So, if Andreas and Mary are participating in this study, and we are trying to predict whether Andreas is happy in the relationship, Andreas is the actor and Mary is the partner. When we're predicting Mary's satisfaction, Mary is the actor, and Andreas is the partner. We set the models up this way instead of distinguishing the partners by gender (e.g., husband and wife) so that we can include same-sex couples in the analyses.
So basically, you guys determined that successful relationships are more likely to be successful? I don't mean to be snarky, but how can you say you are predicting how happy people will be with their relationships by essentially asking them, how happy are you with these different aspects of your relationship? This study comes across as more commentary than prediction. The study would be interesting if you could prove that political idealogy, body type, age, religion, upbringing, personality traits are all predictors of varying degree as to whether a relationship will be successful because those are data points that remain somewhat constant before and after the start of a new relationship, and you could then determine how compatible a couple would be together should they choose to pursue a relationship, but the way I am reading this is that you guys basically asked people how happy they were with certain aspects of their relationship, and then said, "if you are in a good relationship, you are more likely to be happy!" It should not have taken 43 data sets from 11,000 couples and a machine learning algorithm to figure this out. This is obvious. Sure, maybe people didn't have an exact value to assign to each variable, but it's no secret that if you don't feel your partner isn't committed to the relationship or you aren't sexually satisfied, the relationship is likely doomed. Can you please offer me a rebuttal to this criticism? I totally get this perspective. But the thing is, it's not science's job to be counterintuitive. Its job is to be robust and accurate, and sometimes reality is just not that surprising.
Many of those more "interesting" variables you mentioned-- political ideology, religion, upbringing, etc--were in this project. They were measured, they were tested, and they didn't work. This project had hundreds of measures, many of which, it turns out, just aren't that important.
For example, take individual differences. Many of these studies included measures of:
- education
- income
- stress levels
- anxiety
- depression
- relationship beliefs
- the big five measures (extraversion, openness, etc.)
- life values
- ethnicity
- self-control
All that stuff combined, measured from one partner, explained a grand total of 5% of the variance in the other partner's relationship satisfaction. That's it.
We preregistered these analyses before we ran them, and were prepared to publish them no matter how they came out. This is how they came out, so this is what we published.
How many of the couples reported being unhappy? Because my experience, compared to what you've answered so far, and what I've read from literally thousands of women on a forum in regards to why they are happy in their relationships, has been entirely opposite of what your data is saying. Most couples were pretty happy, as is typical of relationship samples. But, the responses did cover the full range of the scale, so there were plenty of unhappy couples in there as well.
Hard to say why the results differ from the first-hand accounts you have read. But, the data are the data, and this is what the data showed!
Will the ai ever be released to the public? Yes! Details of the project, including all of the code and meta-data, are available here:
What’s your 2nd favorite aquatic creature? Top favorite is whales, hands-down. Second favorite? Gonna go with dolphins. Cetaceans for the win.
Do you want to develop an app? I fully, deeply, absolutely do not.
which relationships last longer? the ones with people with different interests or similar interests? We didn't predict relationship longevity per se. But in terms of predicting relationship satisfaction and commitment, we found no evidence that matching matters in any way. Combining both partner's traits into one model did not predict more variance than one partner's traits on their own.
So we found no evidence for the idea that birds of a feather flock together, nor did we find evidence for the idea that opposites attract.
I mean, aren't those factors pretty obvious anyway? Why do we need an algorithm to analyze 11,000 couples to tell us we need decent sex, affection, and trust? It's a good point - the variables that wound up being important are pretty intuitive. But, many of the variables that didn't make the cut seem intuitive as well. For example, you'll notice that gender is not on the list. There are hundreds of studies on the importance of gender in relationships, and it was measured in every study we had. Yet, it almost never emerged as a predictor.
So, I think this is the sort of project where any results would have appeared obvious in retrospect. To me, the surprising findings are not so much the stuff that worked, but the stuff that didn't work. You can see a full list of all the variables tested here:
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Surely that's because (almost) no one for who gender is important enters a relationship with someone who isn't that gender? I'm sure if we could take a group and randomize partners gender - gender preference would emerge as significant. I feel like these results say "Gender isn't important in a partner as long as you pick the gender you want your partner to be" Not gender preference, gender. YOUR gender.
If relationship satisfaction operates differently depending on your gender--for example, if men and women prefer different things in a relationship--then gender should have emerged as a consistent predictor in our models.
I'm preparing to apply for MSc thesis to research in Western. I am an international student. What would be your suggestion to get in and conduct my research successfully? This could be a whole other post, but one key piece of advice I have for people applying to graduate school is to spend some time on that research statement. The statement provides an opportunity for you to demonstrate:
* Intrinsic motivation (are you confident that graduate school is how you want to spend your next 5-6 years?)
* Prior research-related experience (how have you honed your academic interests and skills?)
* Research interest fit (is this lab a place where you will be able to conduct the kind of research you want to do?)
Also, be sure to do a bit of research into the advisor you're applying to work with and make sure that there's fit there, both in terms of research interests and in terms of their mentoring style.
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I've identified two Computer Science professors at Western and reading though their papers and work. So I should have my exact research statement before applying for the University and contacting the professor? Or will I get admission because of my profile and later discuss with my professor to choose a research statement? You should begin by contacting the professors, briefly explaining your research interests to them and asking if they are accepting students. Then if they are accepting students, you should craft your research statement, which you include as part of your application to the program.
Hey, I'm also from UWO. Do you have any papers published that I could learn further? Hello, fellow Mustang! A full list of my publications is available on my lab website:
Have you ever watched Black Mirror, or anything else explaining why this is a bad idea? Black Mirror is a really nice illustration of the importance of research ethics boards.
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I think they were referring to the episode Hang the DJ which I won't spoil but is very pertinent to your work. I came to ask if you had seen this. Ethics aside, I love the Hang the DJ episode of Black Mirror. It's consistent with my view of relationship compatibility, which is that you cannot predict the quality of a relationship that hasn't formed yet.
Hi! Thanks for doing this ama. Did you study same sex couples? Were there any discernible differences in relationship satisfaction? Some of the studies had a modest number of same-sex couples, and many studies had sexual orientation as a measure. Neither gender nor sexual orientation tended to emerge as a predictor in the models, suggesting that there probably weren't a lot of differences there. That said, we did not dig into the data and directly test for differences.
So why do you even think that it is possible to predict the future of a couple ? In my experience computers are not very good with predictions. And what are your objective points with wich you feed the ai. And I think that your work is really great and interesting :) Thank you, Party_Frozy! Certainly, we went into this project prepared for the possibility that we would not be able to predict relationship quality at all. In fact, the last time my colleagues and I embarked on a machine learning project, it was with speed dating data, and we reached exactly this conclusion – we could NOT predict which pairs of individuals would be attracted to each other. (
So we were pleased to find that we could predict up to 18% of the variance in relationship quality over time. It’s a modest amount, and there’s certainly lots of unexplained variance left there. But it’s more than 0 and that’s exciting!
The predictors we used in the model were hundreds of self-reported measures collected from the couples. There was a total of 43 datasets, each of which measured different things. Tons of traits, preferences, relationship judgments, demographic variables, etc. Some more concrete and objective than others.
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Why apply machine learning to something as nebulous and subjective as human relationships? Are you interested in applying ML to other areas of social science, or perhaps even the humanities? It seems to me that you're doing some cross disciplinary research. Is your background more in social science or computer science? My background is in psychology. I'm a relationships researcher, so romantic relationships are really my focus. I agree that relationships are incredibly nebulous and subjective, which is part of why they are so fascinating to me! I think they’re a central part of many people’s lives, so it’s worth pulling out all the methodological stops to try to understand them, empirically.
I take a multi-method approach to studying relationships. In other projects I've used videotaped interactions between couples, daily experience studies where we send brief surveys to couples about their relationships each day, longitudinal methods where we track relationships over months or years, etc.
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One of the interesting things about data mining is its ability to find correlations that people wouldn't normally think of. Have you considered adding some objective variables such as height, weight, eye color, frequency of sex, etc., along with people's subjective assessments of the quality of their relationships, how long their relationships last, etc? Or do you do that already? Many of the variables you listed there were included in at least a subset of the datasets we had. Sexual frequency was commonly measured, and was a decent predictor. Specific physical characteristics (e.g., height, weight) were not measured frequently enough to really say how useful they were. When they appeared, we categorized them as individual differences.
Why can't you predict anything with covid? Believe me: the COVID research is coming. Many academics are currently studying relationships in the wake of COVID, but collecting data, writing up the results, and getting them published is a very slow process. Expect an explosion of papers in another 1-2 years.
How did you like WesternU? London is a great area. I've only lived here for two years, but so far I like it a lot! Western is a great place to work- awesome students, and tons of research support. London is a smaller city than I'm used to, but it has a lot of hidden gems. The longer I live here the more it grows on me.
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2020.10.10 12:09 DatingSitesUSA12345 What is the best free online dating site in USA?

Best Online Dating Sites Available in the USA
Hello there
What is the best free online dating site in USA? Online dating and dating apps are one of the most popular ways to meet a new partner. My recommendations for the best dating sites are based primarily on my own experiences with online dating sites as a man, with some word-of-mouth impressions from friends thrown in for good measure. But I've tested the biggest US dating sites/APPS, matchmaker and casual dating services for you. Let's go:
Good luck
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2020.10.06 20:46 crusf2 Nickelodeon Kart Racing 2: Grand Prix - First Impressions

Hey all,
Wanted to share my thoughts on the sequel to one of the worst kart racers on Switch. I picked this one up primarily due to Nick nostalgia and my overall guilty pleasure of kart racers. (Garfield Kart Furious Racing is still the greatest kart racer on Switch)
Let's get it out of the way. The sequel is miles better than the original game, in terms of content. The original was barebones with lackluster selection of nick characters and tracks. Kart Racing 2 adds:
-More than twice as many characters. -More Tracks and Arenas -More kart parts -More Nick series representation -More unlockables. -Online play. -Zim -Challenges
This already makes this entry a huge step up for me.
Gameplay: Its your run of the mill Mario Kart clone. Plenty of ideas were taken from MK like tricks and coin collecting. What makes this one unique is its pit crew system. You select a driver then a crew chief that provides a special effect once you gather enough slime around the track. These effects range from providing a burst of speed to protection from hazards.
Next you select two crew members. These provide passive abilities like additional coins over time and getting a boost after taking a hit. I find these unique as you can get pretty creative with your selections. If you're used to getting first, you might consider selecting Filburt(activates a shield when slime bar is full) as your crew chief to provide constant protection against homing items and Gary (boosted slime generation) as your engineer to ensure you have a steady supply of slime to keep your shield going. This will make you harder to take down.
Track Design: The tracks are boring so far. They feel like a generic amusement park moving ride through familiar Nick locales. This was an issue plauging the original game. What makes CTR and MK different is that the track feels like an extension of the setting they take place in. Kart Racing 2's tracks feel like someone stuffed the background and scenery with as many references as possible then just added the road as an after thought. Keep in mind i only played through the first cup so my opinion may yet change.
That bieng said, the respect for the source material is there. There's little references to moments in some of the shows hidden in the background for fans. The larger variety of track settings is a welcome addition.
Music & Sound: Disappointing to say the least. No memorable music from any of the shows. What we have here is generic shovelware music. What's more there is still no voice acting. This was one of the huge negatives from the first game. Considering this one feels like a step up in content you would think they would add some reused clips at the very least.
Graphics & Animation: Not much better than the original. Some of the character models look strange. Aang in particular looks wierd in 3D. The characters at least have unique animations. Aang goes into the avatar state when he wins, for example.
Replay Value: Loads of unlockables here. Many drivers and crew members need to be acquired through challanges and beating the grand prix cups. Karts have parts that can be acquired with coins. Some need to be unlocked first before purchasing. Challanges are a great addition with some nice rewards to boot.
Performance: Performance is OK on switch. It maintains a 60fps through out, but dips to the 20s for two seconds when lots of things are happening at once.
Online: This one has online play, which I welcome with open arms. Sadly, Online is pretty barebones. You have your basic ranking points system like Mario Kart but you can only choose between general matchmaking and friend play. No online events or splitscreen online play. It also took me 5 minutes to find a match on release date. Outlook for this game in terms of online play is looking grim.
Performance was as expected. No lag from my end at all so thats a good thing.
Overall I'd say wait for a sale before diving in to this one. It's a definite improvement from the original in many respects, but still lacks some polish. Its still a solid kart racer if nothing else.
EDIT: Correction on the framerate
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2020.10.05 18:14 UbiArcane Hyper Scape Patch v2.0


The Atrax is a full-auto rifle which shoots sticky explosive projectiles.
The chemical projectiles from the Atrax will detonate instantly when hitting a Contender, but when hitting an environment surface, they will instead stick to it and detonate shortly after.
Any enemy target caught within the Area of Effect of the explosion will suffer damage and a short slowdown effect.
The Atrax is an efficient and versatile weapon, but it has a very limited magazine clip size, so watch your ammo count closely!
The Platform Hack will make its debut in Hyper Scape a little later in the Season 2, as we introduce new Limited-Time Modes.
It will allow to deploy a small platform near you, to cross large streets of build temporary vantage points. Platform Hack has the shortest cooldown of all Hyper Scape hacks with a minimum cooldown time of 3s at full fusion! You’ll be able to create platforms easily but be careful as it is quite fragile, and any damage will destroy it.
Developer Notes: We decided to introduce the Platform Hack later in Season 2, and only in certain game modes for now. The return of the Magnet Hack (see below) already almost adds a new Hack to the game meta and that needs to settle in. We also felt it was better to try out the Platform in some of our Limited Time modes, like the upcoming Floor is Lava mode where it can have a particularly interesting impact.
The Magnet Hack is finally back! With the release of Season 2 we’ve fixed the sound issues related to the Magnet, which allows us to reactivate it now. It returns in the same state as it was in early Season 1.
The Infinite Slide is a new Game Event where the duration of all sliding movements become almost infinite, allowing you to slide for very long distance. While sliding feel free to shoot all around you 360-style! Challenge your squadmates to a slide-off!
Season 2 introduces the first version of our new Player Ranking system which aims to bring a competitive edge to the community by allowing players to compare their Seasonal progress amongst each other. NOTE: This system does not affect matchmaking.
There are 6 Ranks in Season 2:
At the end of each Crown Rush Squad match you play you will receive a Medal (Bronze, Silver etc.) based on 3 stats:
You will start the Season Unranked until you have gathered at least 10 Medals, then the system will kick in and your initial Rank will be calculated and appear, based on:
Your Rank will be displayed on your nameplate in game.
After your initial placement, you can continue to improve your Rank throughout the season by getting better Medals or improving your average kills & placements. Whenever you earn a better Medal than one currently in your Top 10, the one with the lowest Match Score will be replaced by the new one.
For now, only Crown Rush Squad matches will count towards Player Ranking. Limited-time game modes do not affect a player’s Rank as they feature game modifications that have a significant effect on the performance values that affect Match Score.
The details of your Ranking can be seen after every match during the End of Match screen, and your Player Profile has also been upgraded with additional stats to support this system.
Developer Notes: This is only the beginning for the Player Ranking System, and we’ll continue to add features to it in the future. Please note that this first version will be a test for the system’s balancing which we might have to adjust & reset during the season if necessary.
Every day, you can now collect a Free Daily Gift within the Shop! Simply head to the Marketplace Portal located left in the Playscape HUB and select the Daily Gift tile in the Shop tab.
The Daily Gift will grant you various rewards that can range from Battle Points to level up your Battle Pass, to unique cosmetic rewards. As you collect Daily Gifts, there is also a progression towards a Special Gift which guarantees the drop of a special cosmetic reward. Each time you collect 6 Daily Gifts you will be awarded 1 Special Gift.
A new Gift is available at 1pm ET / 5pm UTC every day!
The Player Profile has been expanded to your current Squad as well. You can now access the Profiles & Stats at any time directly from the Social Menu, where you were already able to manage your Squad options.
The Challenge system has received several new features to expose it better and make managing challenges easier, even during a match.
Up to Season 2 the large Holograms of Neo Arcadia had been only displaying Ultimate Grace. Now each game’s Match Leader will have their own Holograms, names & stats displayed during the match! (The Match Leader is the Contender with the highest elimination count at any given time.)
Also, in the Hyper Scape HUB the hosting Contender's Hologram will now be displayed.
Fulfilling one of our most frequently community quality-of-life requests, a new setting has been added to the Gameplay options to activate the Auto-Sprint function. Once activated you will always be sprinting when moving forward with no additional button presses necessary. Save your fingers!
This setting is Off by default.
For Controller players, we’ve added a new control layout preset introducing Instant Melee action; it starts from the same configuration as the default layout with the addition of the direct melee button on Right Stick Click (R3).
Note the following changes as well:
Developer Notes: This is just a first layout preset giving controller player an access to Instant melee action; more presets with that option will be added soon.


Starting with Season 2, the format in which the Game Modes are available to play will change to offer a choice between a more competitive& ranked mode, and a more arcade one.
The Crown Rush Squad tile is going to be the Ranked mode (when you play in that mode you will earn ranking score). This mode will be present for the whole season.
The second game mode tile will offer a more Arcade-oriented playlist that will rotate each week. Those arcade modes will not be ranked (they will not earn you ranking score) and will offer a less competitive experience.
  • The Season will start with Faction War as the arcade mode, and then change each week during the Season.
  • Limited time modes will no longer appear as a third tile and are effectively replaced by the arcade mode rotation.
  • While this means a permanent Solo mode will no longer be always available, it will be part of the rotation in the arcade playlist.
Developer Notes: The change here is to better manage our player community without splitting them between too many playlists at once. The goal is also to give a clearer game mode option for our more competitive players while also providing the Arcade area for those looking for less pressure in their experience.


All the bullet weapons now have Damage Falloff (note: sniper rifle received this change in our last patch). The impact differs from weapon to weapon but overall, the intention stays the same: The goal is to avoid abusive long ranges attacks, not to make Damage Falloff a major parameter of the combat loop.
For multiple weapons also, the ADS has received a boost in term of Aim-assist both on PC & Consoles to reinforce its value vs. Hip-Fire.
  • Strongly Reduced Recoil.
  • Removed the FOV kick when firing with the weapon.
  • Damage Falloff: 150m+
  • Increased ADS Aim-assist.
  • Reduced Hip-fire Aim-assist.
  • Increased Bullet Spread in Hip-fire.
Developer Notes: The Dragonfly has received several improvements to make it more comfortable and efficient in ADS. Like for other weapons damage falloff has been added but the Dragonfly stays the weapon with the longest range after the Protocol sniper rifle.
  • Damage Falloff: 40m+
  • Increased ADS Aim-assist.
  • Slightly reduced Hip-fire Aim-assist.
  • Damage Falloff: 100m+
  • Increased ADS Aim-assist.
  • Strongly reduced Hip-fire Aim-assist.
  • Damage Falloff: 100m+
  • Increased ADS Aim-assist.
  • Reduced Hip-fire Aim-assist.
  • Removed the FOV kick when firing with the weapon.
  • Damage Falloff: 100m+
  • Increased ADS Aim-assist.
  • Reduced Hip-fire Aim-assist.
Developer Notes: The FOV change when shooting with the Riot 1 felt uncomfortable for several players, sometimes even creating motion sickness, it has been removed.
  • Increased damage across Fusion to 60/64/68/72/80 (previously 50/55/62/70/80)
  • Damage Falloff: 200m+ (previously 150m+)
Developer Notes Based on feedback from players we increased the base damage of the Protocol, to make sure you would be able to always eliminate an opponent with 2 body shots. We agree that having to land 3 body shots at low fusion level felt tedious. The maximum damage of the Protocol is unchanged.
  • Damage Falloff: 40m+
  • Min Range for Full Damage: 12m (previously 15m)


  • Activation Timer: 0.75s (previously 1s)
  • Projectile Acceleration: 7 (previously 6)
Developer Notes: This change should make the Mine more reactive and more reliable in combat.
  • Effect Duration: 8s (previously 6s)


  • Effect: Global effect that strongly decreases the cooldown of all hacks for the duration
  • Event Duration: 45s (previously 50s)
Developer Notes: The Cooldown Accelerator no longer requires players to pick up power-ups in the map. The Cooldown reduction is global and affects all players for the duration.
  • Crates spawned by this Event are now permanent on the map until destroyed.


A series of feedback improvements have been made to the Crown to help Contenders chase the Crown Bearer and fight its Defenders teammates.
Crown Bearer
  • Improved contrast & readability of the Crown icon and timer over the bearer.
  • Improved readability of the off-screen Crown indicator.
  • Enemy Crown bearers still have a Gold outline however friendly Crown bearers now have a White outline (so it is clear they are not an enemy).
Crown Defenders
  • Teammates of the enemy Crown bearer are now revealed to all via a Gold Reveal Indicator over their heads.
Developer Notes: We know coordinating with enemies to fight the Squad running away with the Crown is difficult. Those visual improvements should help identifying the right players to target. Making the Crown Bearer more visible will also help chasing it.
Faction War has received a series of feedback improvements to unclutter it in term of UI and make Revives easier.
  • Unified the revive icons of faction mates & teammates.
  • Removed the "Ready for Restore" text from faction mates.
  • Added Range Indicator Numbers to faction mate Revive Icons.
  • Faction mate Revive Icons scale by distance.
  • Echoes no longer incorrectly see “Call for Revive” Icons for faction mates (they will still see squadmates’ though).
  • All Ammo Pouches now hold a normalized amount of ammo. Generally, all weapons pouches hold 5x reloads worth of ammo (at full Fusion clip sizes), with a few exceptions like Skybreaker.
  • The amount of ammo gained from ammo boxes pickups has been updated to give exactly 20% of each weapon's pouch. This means it takes exactly 5 pickups to fill every weapon's pouch.
Developer Comment: This change is more of a design cleanup and should not affect strongly the game experience.
  • The default voice channel was changed to “Party Only (Private)”. This will be effective for all newly created accounts (i.e. existing accounts will keep their current setting).
Developer Comment: This change is being done to reduce disruptive mic interactions for players who prefer to rely on the ping system to coordinate with random squadmates.
  • The Red Skull that appeared in the center of the screen when eliminating an opponent has been lowered away from the reticle.
Developer Comment: This is another frequent community QoL request we are very happy to bring to the game with this patch!
  • You can now choose how the items are sorted in your locker.
  • The following filters have been added to the default filtering:
    • Date Acquired - Most Recent First
    • Date Acquired - Oldest First
    • Alphabetical Ascending
    • Alphabetical Descending
  • You can now decide to display the distance on squadmate markers with the choice of three settings:
    • Always
    • On Screen Edge Only
    • Never
  • On keyboard, you can now remap the “Endorsement” button (i.e. congratulate a squadmate after eliminating an enemy).


  • Fixed an issue where full-auto weapons were sometimes able to shoot 2 bullets at once.
  • Fixed an issue where the Ripper’s muzzle flash VFX was not in-sync with the weapon’s Rate of Fire.
  • Fixed an issue where using the Wall hack under your feet after hitting a ceiling would spawn an invisible Wall.
  • Fixed an issue where the audio went partially missing after getting pulled by the Magnet hack.
  • In Faction War, removed a specific bark that was repeated more than once during a short amount of time.
  • In Faction War, fixed an issue where you could hear other faction mates and not only your squadmates.
  • Fixed an issue where pinging a Restore Point with a squadmate currently using it wouldn’t play a bark.
  • Fixed an issue where Ultimate Grace barks were sometimes not playing during the deployment phase.
  • Fixed an issue where Ultimate Grace barks were sometimes not playing when entering a Lobby.
  • In Faction War, fixed an issue where some players were not transitioning to the victory screen after the last enemy Faction got eliminated.
  • On consoles, fixed an issue where players would lose voice chat functionality when entering then exiting the Ubisoft Club application.
  • On PC, fixed an issue where rebinding the Ping button to something else than Middle Mouse Button would still show that same input on the Map.
submitted by UbiArcane to HYPERSCAPE [link] [comments]

2020.10.05 00:56 Bigdoofus9 No Connection to Matchmaking Services

I am unable to connect to online in No Man's Sky, every time I go to settings to join a friend it says "no connection to matchmaking services". I have seen this bug talked about a few times and I have gone through all the remedies that should fix it or at least help(antivirus, clock settings, vpn, etc.) I have about 50 hours of game time and never realized the anomaly should have real people in it lol. Please help I am on Windows 10 running the Steam version of the game and everything is up to date (Origins 3.0).
submitted by Bigdoofus9 to NoMansSkyTheGame [link] [comments]

2020.10.02 06:37 NeedHomeGymPartner Were there "online" dating services prior to the 20th century? Aside from ppl posting lonely hearts ads, did any organized companies exist to play matchmaker? If so, how did they work? Did you just sign up and get/send a letter in the mail and hope for the best?

submitted by NeedHomeGymPartner to AskHistorians [link] [comments]

2020.10.01 01:16 scorpion997 M 25, should I start speed dating or matchmaker?

I haven’t had the best luck when it comes to dating. I probably dated 3 to 4 people and had one kind of relationship that went back and forth for years and the longest streak I had in that relationship was 4 months. . Online dating doesn’t work for me and not sure if it’s because how I look, my bio or because I’m Brown. I had female friends tweak it but it never worked. Also I tried brown dating app, but that was even less successful. I am very much assimilated to the western culture and I don’t have a religion, which are like the top two things I came across as priorities for girls on brown dating up.
So anyways I have given up on that because it lowers my self esteem a lot and makes me feel depressed. However in the last three years been shit for me when it came to dating. I take career very seriously so I didn’t want to date someone until I had a good job. Also I was going through a bad break up. I recently started “flirting” with people I know or met through online but not through dating but I’ve been getting rejected a lot. I know I should step outside of my comfort zone but with COVID it is kind of not happening doesn’t matter how much I try. But I do want to get myself out there. So I’ve been thinking of speed dating and matchmaking. But I am scared because I’m wondering if that fails I’m gonna be really really depressed. So I’m just asking has anyone tried that and did that have a better luck?
submitted by scorpion997 to dating_advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.29 05:52 TonkyP Steam PC: "No Connection to Matchmaking Service" D:

I hate that my first post is a tech-help post here, but here we go anyway...So I picked up the game a few days back to be able to play with my friends, only to discover that No Man's Sky doesn't seem to want to let me do that. I've been digging through posts trying to find a solution, but a lot of information seems to be out-of-date. I'm really hoping that it's something silly that I've missed.
We've done a bunch of research into this but have thus far been able to find a solution. It's driving me crazy that I got this game to play with friends, but for some reason the game refuses to let me do so. Any help would be greatly appreciated! ♥
submitted by TonkyP to NoMansSkyTheGame [link] [comments]

2020.09.28 16:49 TonkyP Steam PC: "No Connection to Matchmaking Service" D:

I hate that my first post is a tech-help post here, but here we go anyway...So I picked up the game a few days back to be able to play with my friends, only to discover that No Man's Sky doesn't seem to want to let me do that. I've been digging through posts trying to find a solution, but a lot of information seems to be out-of-date. I'm really hoping that it's something silly that I've missed.
We've done a bunch of research into this but have thus far been able to find a solution. It's driving me crazy that I got this game to play with friends, but for some reason the game refuses to let me do so. Any help would be greatly appreciated! ♥
submitted by TonkyP to NOMANSSKY [link] [comments]

2020.09.28 10:57 Buck_Joffrey Wealth Formula Episode 231: Should You Buy a Franchise?

Catch the full episode:
Buck: Welcome back to the show everyone today my guest on Wealth Formula Podcast is Kim Daly. Now Kim, well she has been in this space, this franchise space for a long time, for the last 20 years and she's been helping people achieve their financial goals, enabling them to get into the franchise opportunities that are most appropriate for them. She's got a lot of incredible background but you know her skills are really matching a client's background interest and skills and ultimately life goals and to matching them into top franchise opportunities and so today we're going to pick her brain get some insight into what may seem like a daunting process, but one that you know I've considered. I know a number of people have considered in the past and with that let me introduce Kim Daly. Kim, welcome to the show.
Kim: Thank you Buck it's great to be here.
Buck: So Kim I want to just start out by asking you, like how did you get into this space as a franchise consultant? How did you arrive there?
Kim: I mean are you questioning that I didn't grow up saying hey I want to be a franchise consultant?
Buck: That's right.
Kim: Yeah I fell into it like you know a lot of people fall into their thing. I was an entrepreneur and it started many businesses and the first job and the only job I actually had after college, I was on my way to med school and I answered a classified ad in the newspaper, remember the classified ads? And it was for a franchise company and it changed the direction of my life.
Buck: So you were going to be a doctor is that right?
Kim: Yeah so growing up there were two things I wanted to be Buck. I wanted to be a motivational speaker and I wanted to be a doctor but like how does one become a motivational speaker really right so you go to med school and you want to help people you go to med school but here I am you know many years later and basically I am a motivational speaker I mean I inspire people to the dream of business ownership and using my own entrepreneurial experiences in the last 18 years as a franchise consultant and really becoming an expert and a voice in this industry to help people really understand what franchising is, what's the real value proposition, what are you getting, what are you owed, what are you not owed, how to explore franchising, how to ask the right questions, so that's what I do.
Buck: Have you yourself owned franchises and I mean I just obviously don't know a whole lot about your background but have you actually you know owned them yourself and is that part of the experience?
Kim: Yes so this business that I'm in called Franchoice.
Buck: It's a franchise isn't it?
Kim: Yes it is. It's like a franchise, I mean we don't have a franchise agreement we have a consultant agreement but it's the same setup. You said you're from Minnesota we are headquartered in Eden Prairie. So I am supported yeah I'm supported by a corporate office I pay royalties back to my back to my corporate office and so and they go out what they do is they go out and they contract with the very best franchisors. So they're doing all of the homework for me in terms of creating an inventory of opportunities that I can bring to people so that my full-time effort can be dedicated to finding investors who want to learn about franchising and then bringing the two together like a matchmaker.
Buck: Got it okay. So let's talk about first of all what is a franchise and why should anyone consider you know buying into a franchise?
Kim: Okay sure so you know a franchise investment really, I'm going to go for the investors perspective that's sort of the audience. So a franchise investment is all about buying down the learning curve of starting a business right because you're partnering yourself with people who've already gone out there and figured it out. So the entrepreneurial path is to create as you go right the trial and error the missed opportunities from spending time trying to figure things out and that can become very costly right? And that's why in fact many entrepreneurs fail mainly because they run out of money before they really figure out how to make money. So here on the franchising path where from day one you're gonna pay a franchise fee right which goes to the franchisor and that buys you access to this proven business plan, the initial training, the vendors, technology, a proven marketing plan and ongoing support. So it's this idea that you are in business for yourself but not by yourself. So you're not that entrepreneur out there in the wilderness chopping down trees hoping that you're making up a trail that you know leads somewhere good, you're paying a fee to walk on a trail where the path has already been created and you're going to be supported all along the way. So that's kind of like tactically what we're doing is we're buying this we're buying down the learning curve because we're buying into this proven business plan but ultimately when I'm really working with my investors I really want to make a connection for them to the partnership. So it's one thing to buy into a proven plan but it's another thing to buy into an organization of very strong leadership where the people that you're giving your royalty dollars to have your best interest at heart where they are out there every day looking to grow the opportunity keep your opportunity relevant to the times like a time like we're in right. I've always said for years that widgets will not make an investor happy long, term like buying a you know a particular business because you love the product. Leadership is what makes you happy as an investor. When your leadership can pivot your company in an adverse time can keep your company growing and keep it relevant to the competition and to the changing customer demand I mean we're in business to make money so that's ultimately what keeps your business thriving and growing and makes you money right. So ultimately what you're really buying in a franchise is you're buying a relationship.
Buck: Yeah makes sense so and let's talk about you know just comparing that and contrasting that with you know other options and for example you know I before we got on I mentioned you know I've started a few different businesses myself, I would say that it's definitely not for everybody to do that because I think there's as you mentioned there's a significant learning curve frequently. Your idea ends up either you know doing great or you end up losing a bunch of money and then you also fundamentally I think have to have a certain itch and I think that that might be a little different from your typical franchise person who's really looking potentially on something to say I don't need to be this guy who came up with this new idea, I just like this idea of running a business and I don't really want to waste a bunch of money I mean is that kind of the major difference between starting from scratch and franchising?
Kim: 100 so well said yeah right franchisees want to take somebody else's idea run with it and make money and you know I talk about building wealth through franchising and the wealth gets created through the scale like it could take an entrepreneur five years to figure out the business and get it up and going and in that five-year time period I could take a franchisee who could own five locations of whatever they're doing right because again not sitting and figuring anything out from day one you are going you're moving toward profitability because you have this proven plan in front of you and you're executing and you're being held accountable you know to execute and to go.
Buck: Yeah and then and then the other option of course is to look and say you know go to one of these sites like biz buy sell blah blah blah you know and take a business that you know that is currently on sale that may not be a franchise and potentially buy something like that. I honestly have looked in that space before because again just having some various interests and thinking I'll plug and chug let's do it. The challenge there I've found is being a guy who started businesses on my own, I know there's always stuff buried in closets that if you buy something unless it's a very very significantly large business with operations and things in place and management that you can potentially get screwed.
Kim: Skeletons in the closet.
Buck: Yeah right is that kind of and I don't mean to be giving you the answers but I'm guessing what the problems are with some of the other approaches to business ownership is that how you would is that kind of what you see in that space?
Kim: Yeah you know what you know what Buck I mean when I meet someone and I'm asking you know what are your goals what do you want to use this business for, there are many ways to skin the cat right? Franchising is just one option. I certainly don't try to push everybody into a franchise investment, it's not right for everybody and for that person who may be looking to recover a corporate salary let's say you've been severed from your job and you're looking to you know recover 200 or 300 thousand dollars in income like within three or four months I mean starting a business from scratch is not the answer right it's not going to happen so buying an existing business for sale could be a better fit but the thing you have to you have to know is that if you're buying a business that's throwing off that kind of cash you're paying for that right so multiple of that and so you that ups the risk because now you got to put down you know lots and lots and lots of money compared to if you have the time to kind of allow the business to ramp and like you said you get to be there for every you know hiccup in the business. When people come to me and ask me about buying an existing business for sale I say it's sort of like the difference between having a baby and adopting a teenager right so if you if you adopt a teenager and you haven't been there to like develop the personality and you don't really know like why they have a chip on their shoulder and other than that teenagers all have chips on their shoulders but like you know I see where I'm going with that versus when you have a baby and you're there for every milestone in that child's life and you're developing and nurturing that personality then when they grow up you know exactly how they got to who they are right that's sort of that's exactly what you were saying and that's sort of the difference between the two but I mean again I help people buy into existing franchises that are for sale so it really depends on the investors goals and the time frame in which they would like to achieve those goals assuming that they're realistic and that's part of what I do as their consultant is to help them understand what reality looks like and to make sure that you know any of these owning a business buying a business is the right option for them.
Buck: Got it and and so when you when you think about returns on these, well there's two questions I have. One is if you could talk about you know the cost and that sort of thing for franchises you know as a function of returns, how do you typically look at that or is it all over the board?
Kim: Okay so the first thing I'll say is as the consultant in the process I never ever make any earnings claims to anybody right it's just not my job I'm not a business broker I don't have a license to sell a franchise so I don't get into the idea of like answering the financial questions. What I do is I teach people what are the right questions to ask I'm not a big fan of asking a business owner like how much do you make because it depends it depends on their you know what kind of tax advantages they're taking advantage of it depends on how they finance their business are they paying off loans was it cash right there's too many depends on that question but so I'm going to teach my candidates how do you really learn the financial opportunity of a business more by understanding what owners are doing when they wake up to go drive that activity right. So I want to teach them how to turn every business sort of into a sales pipeline and understand like where do I apply the gas to drive the maximum speed in this business and you want to go to the top performing franchisees in a system to really hear what they're doing. Oftentimes people out of fear will say, you know I think it's out of fear they think well I'm going to talk to the people who who it hasn't worked out for and I'm like well you know when you turn to the people who it hasn't worked out for what is that really going to teach you. When you turn to the top performing people who've mastered the model to this point in its growth they're going to have a science to what they do especially if they've been able to replicate those results year over year over year. So they can tell you logically, not emotionally, what is driving their top performance. Now if you know what's driving top performance logically then you equally know why people in your business will not be successful so very often when you talk to people who it hasn't worked out for there's a lot of emotion and opinion behind their failure that I find often times no offense to anybody who's ever lost money because it is very disheartening right if you fail in your business but oftentimes it's not the truth it's just their truth does that make sense. That's a very evasive answer to your question, that’s all you're gonna get.
Buck: Well you know we're a group of investors a lot of times we want to we kind of want to cut to the chase. And along that line you know you had you mentioned okay well you're trying to you know you lost the job you're trying to replace income. My wonderful audience we many of us are spoiled rotten, we're just looking to make more money all right it's not a sob story it's just you know how do I make more money and and you know from a tax perspective I've addressed the the idea of business ownership many times, the problem is that I've got a number of investors listeners of this podcast who are making you know multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars multi you know even multiple millions of dollars and they are interested potentially in getting involved with business because what they're doing right now is say they’re a neurosurgeon making a million and a half a year and they want they want to do something in the business space but you know what frankly they're not going to be driving to work every morning they may want to be more passive they may be interested in potentially having you know some interest in managing managers but not really beyond that, are franchises something that can be relatively passive for individuals looking to create wealth through owning businesses or is this a all hands on deck kind of thing.
Kim: It's a great question and it's definitely can be used as a semi-absentee investment unlike starting a business from scratch that entrepreneurial route which would really require the owner to be there through every stage of it. So if you invest in the right type of business that is set up for semi-absentee ownership that can be manager run that would rely on the manager's expertise to carry out the day-to-day functions rather than the owner's expertise then that that could absolutely be achieved and that's actually how you scale a business and really build that wealth you know and you'll talk to people about you really don't need experience and some for some people that feels counterintuitive and I'm like well you'll hire to the experience of the business I need you to be the CEO who can manage managers who then will work in the business while you work on the business right. So in that semi absentee investor state you might be putting in 10 to 15 hours a week at night or on the weekends and it could even be less than that. There is a highly selective group of businesses that are really more of an investor's play, they're more expensive to get into. So there's always this trade-off of money for time right so the the less time the owner would be putting in the more infrastructure there has to be to support that business right the more time you're willing to put in as the owner the lower that investment could be because you're making up for that infrastructure with your own effort and time does that make sense.
Buck: Yeah for sure like anything else I mean I think the more you know generally speaking the higher the risk you know the you're not going to pay as much and if you're looking for things that are turnkey you're going to pay more so I mean it's pretty typical stuff. Let's talk a little bit about the fact that we are in a sort of you know an unusual time you know with this whole pandemic thing I don't know if you heard about heard about it and how is it affecting you know the types of businesses that you deal with or is it all over the board? I mean I'm curious.
Kim: Yeah it's been an interesting time and you know this is again when I say like widgets don't make investors happy long term but strong leadership in a franchise does. Never has there been a better time in history and franchising than now to be looking at franchising because you can really see where there are strong cultures and and strong leadership, where franchisees are not panicking there's been a pivot in their business model to maybe a virtual platform to a delivery service. So I mean I've seen franchisors eliminate royalties and turn corporate revenue streams like through online purchases to back to their franchisees reducing royalties like all kinds of things have happened here to help save our franchisees and by the best of the best franchisors. I certainly don't speak for every franchise organization out there I imagine there are some that are really struggling and the leadership hasn't really met the demands but in my little Santa Barbara boutique world here at Franchoice which is the best of the best in franchising
Buck: Wait Santa Barbara what are you talking about I didn't know you guys were in Santa Barbara.
Kim: Hey I used to live in Boca Raton I usually use that example Boca is like the most perfectly manicured places that's sort of like what we have here in my inventory. I'm not matching people to just any franchise out there I'm matching them to the best of the best. And the best of the best as validated by their existing franchise owners like it's one thing to be ranked in the top 500 out of you know entrepreneurs top 500 but it's quite another when the majority of the franchise owners that my team would speak with say you know hey I knowing what I know a hundred percent I would do this again you know even if you're not making the kind of money you got in for and they're willing to validate that they would do it again I mean that's amazing validation right and during your due diligence process as you work with me to explore franchise opportunities to find the one that's like the best fit for you, a big portion of what we're going to do is we're going to go out and we're going to interview those existing franchise owners and that question of you know how much money does it really take to get the business going and what kind of returns are there, we're actually going to address it to the people who've invested the money and who are making the return. The franchisor by law has to disclose this information in their franchise disclosure document so the federal trade commission regulates franchising and every year a franchisor must produce what's called an FDD or a franchise disclosure document, it's kind of like the prospectus for a stock right so it entitles you the investor to full disclosure if there's ever been any lawsuits or bankruptcies any fees you're obligated to pay and in there there's a section on the initial startup cost and there's also an earnings claim section. So we can pull numbers out of that franchise disclosure document but I always try to coach my candidates to understand that a document is just that right it's not a living breathing thing that a business is. So in order to really understand the story that those numbers create we have to be in relationship with the people, we have to be out there talking to the franchisor and then taking what we're learning in that book theory from the franchisor and validating that in the real world by talking to their existing franchisees and ultimately I don't know if you're aware of this but a franchise is not yours to buy until the franchisor has offered you the opportunity. So the evaluation that you're going through it's a mutual evaluation and ultimately they say hey
Buck: Swipe left swipe.
Kim: Right we think you're qualified we want you but do you want us and at that point then it's your business to say yes or no.
Buck: Okay so I am listening to this podcast and I'm like oh gosh you know has been telling me that my W2 stuff even though I'm making a lot of money then I need to consider having some business ownership possibility this franchising sounds really interesting this Kim Daly person sounds like she knows what she's talking about. So what happens when I reach out to you and we'll talk about how to reach out to you in a minute. The person who's reaching out to you, tell us a little bit about the process that they go through with you, what that looks like, what you do in the whole process you know and then presumably to the point where you're purchasing some kind of you know where somebody's purchasing an asset.
Kim: Okay great I love that question. So the first thing I do in order to bring opportunities to someone is I have to get to know them personally, professionally and financially. Who are you and what are you looking for, what are your dreams, what are your goals, what are you going to use this business investment for? Once we've clearly identified or outlined those characteristics through a basic questionnaire and then about a one-hour consultation phone call then I get to work and I go to go do some research come back a few days later with what I believe are the top three to five options that have available territory where you would like your business to be and that match those characteristics that we've outlined together. So then I would make a high level introduction between you and the franchisors I called this my blind date right blind date round it's like speed dating you're gonna start talking to franchisors you're gonna play the field and I'm gonna become your dating coach and I'm gonna teach you how to like keep your mind open and just go with the flow and have some fun there's so many ways to make money I think that's like the most fascinating part of my business is we get trained on new concepts all the time and it's like what are they going to think of next you know. If there's a business for it there's a franchise of it and there's just so many ways to make money. So once you go through your blind date round and you kind of get your bearings and you have some thoughts and opinions about what I have found for you then we start working together to to pair this list down and then I'm going to really get into the back end coaching like how do you actually explore franchise so that you can be competent that you've asked the right questions, you've done all the right things so when you're ready to say yes or no you can feel very confident in your final decision. And I work with candidates for about one to two months I've been doing this for about 18 years and I'm very consistent around that six week mark if this is the right thing for you don't have to spend six months figuring it out, no offense but no franchisor wants to date you for six months. We want decision makers we want to you know get in there learn the information absorb it move on to the next chapter learn the information absorb it move on and then complete that process and then just say yes or no. And all of my service I should have started out with this but everything I do Buck everything I do for people it's free.
Buck: Okay because you're because you're ultimately like a you know like a real estate agent then right?
Kim: I’m like an executive recruiter like for franchising.
Buck: Right so they they pay you.
Kim: The franchisor yeah so it's free. People are like really you're not going to hit me with a backend fee? Never. I'm going to offer you all kinds of coaching but on the flip side of that, what I tell people is when they get if they get argumentative with me I'll be like, you're not paying me any money and you don't have to take any advice I'm ever going to give you right there's no reason for me to mislead you but ultimately it's your life it's your decision so I'm just here to guide you if you want my guidance but at the end of the day people are making decisions on their own.
Buck: Yeah understood. Let's talk about what goes into that. So you make the introduction but it doesn't just end up with an introduction right you mean you you're gonna do some due diligence together you're going to say well how you looking at this these are the issues that you're you know that you need to look at okay let's let's look at their uniform circular or whatever those things are called what are the things I need to look at I mean I presume all that's part of the the the process from the consulting side absolutely yep and it used to be called a uniform franchise offering circular excuse me and then it got changed to the franchise disclosure document. So you have looked at franchising before.
Buck: I told you you know I have I mean I have entrepreneurial ADD and so I've looked at anything and part of what makes me pretty good at what I do on the investing side is my you know my my desire to constantly be looking at things so yeah I have looked at very briefly I mean I've never really learned enough I've learned enough to be dangerous where I could you know I may have gone to directly to a franchise and said yeah I wonder what it would be like to own a bunch of subways and then they sent me a big you know packet which was called the uniform circular at one point and I was like yeah I'm not gonna go look through this I'm not gonna.
Kim: No I save people time I mean ultimately yes if you're going to sign a franchise agreement I think you do need to have familiarize yourself with all parts of that franchise disclosure document but that's where I come in so I'm going to help you go you know I tell people look in the beginning when you're dating multiple franchisors you want to know what's in it for you and what's in it for you is the money so we're just going to pull the money out of that FDD first and we're going to play with the money of the investment and the ROI because if that doesn't make sense you're not going to want to go any further why do you need to know how you're going to sell your business which is part of the FDD if the numbers don't make sense for you right to even want to invest in it. So that's what I do I help save people time and focus them on what's important, I'm going to teach you when it's time to go interview those franchise owners what are the questions what should I be asking we talk about the psychology of interviewing business owners because it's really important that as you're meeting people who own a business that you don't create a limiting belief for yourself about what's possible based on the people that you're meeting in the franchise right. I want to teach you again how to figure out how to drive that gas pedal to your own level of performance. It's something Buck that I did in my business here at Franchoice, I was an average performing inconsistent performing consultant for many years for the first eight years and then I decided to get serious in my business and really maximize what I could control and one year later I had built the largest franchise consulting business ever that had ever been built and so then I didn't want to be a one-hit wonder so then I really had to examine my numbers and figure out the science of what I was really doing to drive that result and then once I did that and repeated it for a couple of years a couple of other very smart consultants came to me and were like hey let me do what you do I gave them my science and now one of them goes on and doubles what I do right and now I also share this science
Buck: So this is your, you came up with this franchise? This is your franchise?
Kim: No I just jacked the level of performance in my business
Buck: So you’re like a super Mcdonald's
Kim: Yeah like let's say that let's say that you're validating a business and the average owner you're talking about is I'll use basic numbers just pulling out a hundred thousand. I don't want my candidates to feel like that's a limitation like I can only make a hundred thousand there should be no limit, I mean if you have a if you in some businesses there is an actual cap to how big one location can get and then that's why you'd have to build you know two and three and four and five locations, but that's what I'm explaining that just because the average person in a franchise is performing to a certain level that's not all that's possible, there's always going to be one person who can break free from the pack and produce twice as much or three times as much as everybody else and when you're validating a franchise I want my candidates to go to those people who've broken free from the pack the top 10 of the performers to find out what are they doing to drive that type of result rather than kind of settling for well okay the average performing person is doing this and so that's kind of the number I have in my head I just think that that's a that can be a very limiting belief to begin your business with.
Buck: Understood. Well good. What am I missing? Am I missing anything? Is there anything that you think that we ought to know about this process that we haven't already talked to? I mean obviously there's a lot to it but as an introduction.
Kim: Yeah you know one thing we haven't talked about are the tax advantages that some franchise businesses can create. So you mentioned we talked about the investor mindset and coming in more as a semi-absentee investor and I have some people that have significant cash flow from a w-2 job and they're looking for tax savings or tax shelters with the business not even necessarily cash flow in the first few years it's more to create that tax shelter and I also have businesses that fit those investors as well so you can look at franchising as replacing your w-2 job like you've been unemployed or you've been downsized or right-sized whatever and you're looking to reinvent yourself right you're 52-54 and you're like listen if I go back I may get laid off in two or three more years so maybe it's better for me to consider just reinventing myself for myself at this stage there's that guy who wants to dive in full term and full time and maybe over time become a semi-absentee owner but then there's the investors such as you mentioned like you know physicians or people that have thriving businesses that are making a lot of money but those to make that money it requires their time and attention like my business requires my time and attention so I have other passive investments that don't require Kim I'm passionate about what I do and I want to be here but you know there's some point in my life where no offense to my people but I don't always want to have to be tied to my desk in order to you know have income coming in so we all have to consider ways to build that revenue that doesn't require us to wake up and exchange our time for money right. And then so there's that investor mindset and a lot of those those investor mindset businesses also as I mentioned can come with some pretty good tax advantages for those people who again are trying to offset big income they're making in their w-2 job or other investments.
Buck: Yeah I mean you know specifically I think you know we talk a lot about tax efficiency in this this program you know a lot of people are going to be interested in I think a couple of things one is you know the potential depreciation and elements of that but also to look at these opportunities as potential passive assets and start building those buckets of passive income up that we can do a lot more with so very interesting stuff. Kim how do we get a hold of you?
Kim: Okay so my website is and that's my last name d-a-l-y the daily coach. I love to give people a little daily dose of Kim Daly on my website. I have videos I have testimonials I mean I cover all kinds of business coaching subjects in my video library I have testimonials where I've gone into the storefronts of people that I've helped change their life and some of the work I'm the most proud of, I love all of my people to death so I ask everybody even those people who didn't buy a franchise but they learned something through my process write me a testimonial. So you'll see hundreds of testimonials and all kinds of you know resources books and other things that you may want to check out and also the contact me form so if you are interested in starting your journey how do you know you're curious you want to learn more about franchising absolutely I'll follow right back up with you and we can begin the conversation.
Buck: Fantastic again that's and Kim thank you so much this has been a fantastic interview. I think we've got a lot of information here and hopefully some of you are going to go down this road. I may take Kim up on this and go down through the process myself by the way so I'm totally curious and you know me I'm gonna you know I've got my fingers in a lot of different things. So anyway Kim thanks again. Wonderful to have you on the show.
Kim: It's an honor to be here. Thank you so much.
Buck: We'll be right back
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2020.09.23 22:07 Twenty_Weasels I (34M) think my best friend (34M) might be a terrible person, and I might have been enabling him for years. Please help me figure out how to proceed.

tl;dr: my closest friend might be an irredeemable scumbag. I still care about him, but I can't stand how he acts when he's at his worst and I have my doubts if he's willing to genuinely try to be better. He's in therapy, has been for a long time, but I haven't seen improvement. He has done things that I can't forgive, and has never apologised properly or taken responsibility. He's hit on my fiancée under my nose, making her incredibly uncomfortable in the process; he borderline-sexually assaulted one of her friends; and even since those events he's gotten drunk, expected me to babysit him, and berated me about how I'm a bad friend to him. Am I kidding myself by trying to salvage something from our relationship? He's already invited to my wedding, what the hell do I do about that?
Full version:
I am so sorry, this is the longest post ever. Like seriously this is longer than some of my college essays. But the story of my friendship with this guy is pretty much the story of my life, so please bear with me if you can be bothered.
I met my best friend - I'll call him Martin - when I was 13. I was a shy, awkward kid, and he was a lot more confident than me in a lot of ways. I felt like he was much smarter, much more handsome, much more charming and socially adept than me. If I was a nerdy outsider because I was worse than everyone else, he was a nerdy outsider because he was better. Over time as I got to know him better those feelings faded to something more realistic (and not quite so self-loathing), but my admiration still held.
We got really close over the next few years that we were at school with each other. We read the same books, watched the same shows and movies, listened to the same bands - we had a massive influence on who we each grew up be. It was pretty close to a love affair; it might have actually been one, if he hadn't been straight. By the time we graduated I think we both felt then as if we were the only ones in the world who really got each other, and we were sure we'd be friends for life.
We went to university at separate ends of the country but we kept in touch and visited each other. Most of the rest of our friend group from school was in the same city as Martin, so I went to see them a few times a year. From my perspective, he continued to find life a lot easier than me and have a lot more success; he partied hard his first year, had flings and made new friends, then settled down with a serious girlfriend. He got great grades and went straight into a professional job. All that said, though, I started to get glimpses of a side of him that was desperately unhappy. When he'd get really drunk, a switch would flip and instead of the guy I knew it's like there was just this wretched suffering animal, repeating the same phrases over and over about how shit he was, how lonely he was, how everything was so horrible.
On the couple of occasions I saw that side of him back then, I was pretty drunk myself and I just rode it out, tried to comfort him, and didn't think that much of it. I was going through pretty much the worst years of my life - sinking into depression, struggling to motivate myself to study or socialise or do anything else. I was still a virgin by the time I left university and stayed that way for a while. I was more or less a NEET for several years, with no friends except the same guys I knew at school (including Martin) who lived a long way from me. Martin and I stayed as close as ever though. I got the sense that a lot of the time he felt just as miserable and lost in life as I did, and there was something he valued about the fact that I faced up openly to that (not that I felt like I had a choice) instead of putting a brave face on it like he did.
At one point I got the idea of moving to the city where he (and most of the other people I knew) lived, and he let me stay on his couch for a few weeks while I looked for work. I got along well with his girlfriend, mostly; it was a little bit strained at times, I guess she found it a bit stressful having me around, but I helped out with housework and cooking and things and it all ended amicably. But I couldn't find a decent job, and after a few months of living with random strangers, trying to make ends meet between casual work and dole money, I gave up and moved back with my mum.
A few years after that, I found myself on Martin's couch again, running a repeat of the same effort to move to the big city. This time I had managed to find work before I moved, and had made plans to live with some other friends, so it was just a case of a few weeks on his couch while we were looking for a place. It was a weird time - there was obviously a lot of strain between him and his girlfriend, and I guess my presence made it worse. She obviously resented me being there and I got the feeling that he'd maybe put his foot down and insisted that they let me stay, when maybe she had wanted to refuse.
As for me, I was getting up at 5am every morning to commute 2 hours each way (Martin's house not being the most convenient for my new place of work) and then often apartment-hunting all evening, so I really didn't have the energy to make such a point of pitching in and being a great guest like I did the first time I had stayed with them (albeit I still did my share of housework and shopping...). And the weird energy made me feel unwelcome, which I probably didn't handle that well - I seem to remember a lot of evenings where I showed my face to say hi, and then disappeared into my room without much ceremony. Anyway, I got out of there as quick as I could.
Martin and I ended up having our only ever big row over that, a few months after I left. He accused me of being ungrateful, said I didn't know how hard it had been for him and his girlfriend and that he couldn't believe I had left without any sort of gesture (a gift or card or whatever) to say thanks (something I had done when I stayed with them before); I told him that he was right, I wasn't grateful, because he'd made me feel so shit about the favour he did for me that I wished it had never happened, so what sort of favour was that? And it went downhill from there. We didn't talk for a few months, but we made up eventually and both apologised. To be clear, looking back I think I was mostly in the wrong. I should have gotten out of the situation much sooner when I realised how badly it was working out. I don't think there are any hard feelings between us about that today, although I guess I could be wrong..
So a couple of years later, Martin had broken up with his girlfriend of seven or eight years. It was bad - I don't know everything that went on but I know that for years he'd been testing the limits by flirting with other girls (not actually cheating, he says), staying out all night drinking without calling home, and so on. He also told me that she had some sort of deep emotional affair while on a trip to Israel. And he has this story about how one day near the end, when she had been on a trip and they had been texting and agreed to have a big talk when she got home, she walked in the door and told him that she fucked a stranger on the plane. I never believed the story, but she might have cheated on him - who knows. As for me, I still hadn't ever found myself in a romantic relationship at that point, but I was doing reasonably okay at the hook-up thing.
Then at around the same time, I found myself a much better job, and massively fell for a girl that I met online. We met in real life after a few months of starting to talk, and about six months later we moved in together. I was happier than I'd ever been or had thought I could be.
So for the first time in our friendship, things were going better for me than they were for him. And I guess that's where our relationship really started to go downhill. But I wasn't done asking him for favours yet - he lent me a couple of month's wages interest free to help me get set up in the new place with my girlfriend, and never held it over me the whole time (18 months or so) that I was paying him back.
The first real issue was at Martin's brother's wedding, a few months after I had introduced my new girlfriend to them both and my other friends. Coming out of a messy break-up himself and now doing best man duty for his twin brother, I thought it was understandable that Martin was a mess. He held it together long enough to pose in the photos and do a great speech, and then he got completely shitfaced. Which was all fine until I looked round and saw that he'd cornered my girlfriend on a bench, had his arm heavily round her, and was whispering in her ear. I didn't really know what to do. My reaction wasn't to be jealous; out in the open like that, at a wedding in full view of everyone, it seemed like there was no way he could possibly have been actually trying seriously to hit on her. So I didn't have a possessive instinct about it. I thought - okay, he's drunk, he's miserable, he's being inappropriate but he surely doesn't mean anything by it. I could see my girlfriend was really uncomfortable, trying to get out of the situation without causing a scene, but - to my discredit - I didn't step in. I guess it seemed like it would be too drastic, too humiliating, to go over there and ask him to leave her alone. In retrospect I regret prioritising his feelings over my girlfriend's, but that's the call I made at the time.
She told me after she managed to extricate herself that he'd been trying to sweet talk her, giving her compliments, and that he made one comment in particular about how it was a shame that we were happy together.
A couple of months later on my birthday, he repeated the same performance. After dinner and drinks a bunch of us went to do karaoke, and again Martin was hanging off my girlfriend and talking in her ear. Other people were noticing the odd behaviour too. This time I ended up having a quiet chat with him - I tried to put it gently, told him that she was very much not a touchy person (true) and that he was making her uncomfortable, so could he give it a rest. He took it okay, at least to my face, and didn't repeat that behaviour that night or on subsequent occasions.
The next, and biggest, issue was when we introduced him to one of my girlfriend's friends. He and I had been to a gig and my girlfriend and her friend had gone to a bar nearby, so we ended up meeting up and having a couple of drinks. Martin and this girl really hit it off. They got on the train together (their stops were on the same line), and on the way home I remember my girlfriend and I were wondering if we'd just accidentally done a nice bit of matchmaking. And then my girlfriend got a string of texts telling her that my friend was a fucking creep, that as soon as they'd got on the train he'd pulled a surprise kiss and started trying to convince her to sleep with him, holding her close to him and trying to force more kisses, while she was just trying to let him down gently since she was worried he'd only get worse (like possibly violent) if she was blunt. Luckily he didn't know which stop was hers, so she ended up getting off early and waiting for the next train to get out of the situation.
Once we had heard the whole story, I called up Martin to ask him what the fuck he was thinking. And looking back now, writing the whole thing out, I think I just got fully gaslighted. I still remember his tone of voice when he answered the phone, all chirpy and surprised to hear from me. So when I told him what was up he started out with how shocked and mortified he was that she had been scared, that he hadn't meant to be that pushy, that he thought she liked him back and she'd given no indication of being freaked out. He said how sorry he was that he'd come across that way. He apologised many times and asked how he could make things better. And then, once my initial anger had subsided a bit, he slowly twisted the whole conversation to be about how bad he felt, and how I should feel sorry for him because this was so hard. He brought up an incident that had happened a couple of years earlier when a girl he'd been dating for a few months had freaked out and falsely (?) accused him of rape - talking about how this incident really took him back to that and how traumatic it was.
Even at the time I was unimpressed that he had flipped the script like that, but I didn't know what to do with my feelings. I felt like calling him out directly on being manipulative would have been a hard end to the friendship, and I wasn't sure enough to take that step. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was all a misunderstanding and that whilst, yes, he was culpable for being creepy, he surely hadn't had bad intentions. And back then, I didn't doubt that the rape accusation against him had been fake. What had happened was that he'd had an intense relationship for this girl for a few months and then taken her to meet his family for the first time over Christmas. Everything was apparently going great until one day they'd gotten in a loud row that everybody in the house could hear, and then she had gone to find his mum and told her that he had raped her. So obviously all kinds of drama erupted, she made threats of self-harm and suicide, and ended up getting a lift to the train station from Martin's brother's wife. Nobody had believed her about the rape, and everybody had been completely confused that she would have gone to talk to his mum (who she'd never met before) with this accusation. I think there's no question that she was unbalanced and volatile, but looking back now I don't feel confident that the whole situation was 100% her fault. I think there's every chance that he acted abusively, and if I'm honest with myself I think it's not impossible that he really did rape her. I've never really accepted that explicitly before, and it feels horrible, but it's the truth.
Overall, pushed along by those few dramatic incidents, our friendship over recent years has definitely cooled. He drinks too much at every opportunity, and when he drinks he's a pain in the ass. He loses the ability or desire to have any sort of dialogue, he's childish, needy and demanding, and at times he explicitly guilts me for not reaching out to him more often and being a better friend. He's been in therapy for years at this point but he doesn't seem to be either feeling better about himself or improving his behaviour to others. From what he's told me about his therapist, I have a suspicion that he's found one who enables a lot of his crappy ways of acting and thinking about things.So for all those reasons I find myself increasingly dodging his calls and messages, which probably only makes things worse. I've been hoping that by responding in a lukewarm way to him I would be able to slowly disengage from the level of intimacy we've had in the past and keep him at arm's length while still keeping him in my life and providing support in a healthy, non-codependent kind of way when he's ready to receive that. But I don't think it's working out like that - I think he feels just as intense towards me as ever, but probably with more and more resentment just beneath the surface.
He's still the closest of all my friends in many ways, and the only person in the world that I can really talk to about some of my interests (books, politics, history) in a way where we have all the same reference points and where even if we don't agree about everything we totally get each other. I don't know if I'll ever find a friend like that again. But the things that he's done, and that I failed to properly call him on at the time, have festered between us and I don't know if it's possible to have a healthy friendship with him any more. I don't know if he's still somebody that I would want to be friends with, or if he actually ever was, if I'd seen him for what he was and been honest with myself.
So a bit more than a year ago I proposed to my girlfriend, and we are planning on getting married next spring. With all the uncertainty around the COVID situation, we've planned for a tiny ceremony (close family only) followed by a slightly bigger reception (family and closest friends). I invited Martin before I had really come to terms with some of the feelings I've expressed in this post; at that point, my view was that yes he was difficult sometimes but he was still one of my oldest and closest friends and of course he'd be invited. That's now seeming kind of wild to me, but there it is, that's where I was a couple of months ago. My fiancée has done her best to give Martin a chance - and a second, third, and fourth chance - but he's fucked them all up and understandably she can't really stand him at this point. She's worried that he'll make a scene and ruin the wedding reception. I can't pretend those fears aren't valid. Practical considerations aside, I also can't deny that she has good reasons to despise the guy and not want him at our wedding.
So where we are now is that my fiancée and I have arranged to meet Martin on Saturday, and the plan is to tell him that he's still invited to the wedding, but we don't want him drinking. This is something we came up with as a compromise between a) the complacent option of doing nothing and just crossing our fingers that he won't ruin the wedding, and b) the nuclear option of uninviting him, which may well ruin my relationship not only with him but with pretty much all my friends (who all have their concerns about Martin, but definitely not to the extent that I do). I feel sort of cavalier about shrugging and just letting my friends go if they want to go; people make new friends all the time, right? But I've known these people for most of my life. I've always been quick to cut people off when they do something I don't like (the obvious exception of Martin notwithstanding...). I guess I'm concerned that this would just be more of that negative salt-the-earth kind of tendency manifesting itself.
To be honest, especially having typed out this marathon post, I don't know if this option is good enough for me. This is a guy who I don't know if he's a rapist or not (and if he is, he hasn't even come close to owning up to it or making any kind of reparations). Although we have a lot in common and he's been there for me in concrete ways in the past, I feel like he's burned his way through that credit and more with the way he's acted, and I can't keep giving him the benefit of the doubt any more. When I think about things from my fiancée's point of view, I'm amazed that she's been so restrained and hasn't told me a long time ago that she never wants to see him again. So yeah, I don't think I really want him at our wedding, drinking or not drinking. But I don't know how to make that happen without burning all my bridges. Martin's brother, in particular, will never accept my reasons. And it will only be harder to explain given that I never properly called him on this stuff at the time, and now I'd be bringing it up again years later. And I know Martin - he will tell as many bald-faced lies and double down as many times as he needs to in order to beg or bully everyone into giving him a pass.
Furthermore, the more I think about it, the more I think that confronting Martin with my true feelings about his past actions could be dangerous. He shows a lot of signs of narcissism. If that's accurate, as close as we have been in the past, I think he'd take it as an incredibly personal insult if I told him that I had come to doubt his basic good intentions for events going back years, and if I refused to credit all the lies and supplications that would follow from that. Maybe enough of a personal insult to tip him over into violent or otherwise malicious behaviour. Is that crazy?
So: do I suck it up and go through with the compromise option of asking him not to drink at the wedding, but still inviting him? Is that a reasonable thing to do to have a drama-free wedding and to be able to invite my other friends? Do I nuke my whole friendship group from orbit (it's the only way to be sure)? Could I be putting myself in danger by confronting him? Or am I being a bad friend and too hard on a poor guy in emotional distress who, hey, maybe he never raped anyone, right?
submitted by Twenty_Weasels to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.09.20 04:54 _-__-__-__-__-_-_-__ Some thoughts on Eastern vs Western dating philosophies

I was talking to my sister recently about why our parents look at dating so differently than we do, and she had an interesting insight. They prioritize compatibility first. And their idea of compatibility is based on things like shared ethnicity/culture and whether they know someone who knows us. It's a very traditional mindset, but it explains why arranged marriage and matchmakers and family connections are so important to traditional Asians.
For my sister and me, our mindset prioritizes meeting people first and then getting to know them.
Our parents believe in getting to know people before meeting them. It's why to them, waiting until later in life to start the marriage process (not even dating in the modern Western sense) once you're established in your career and have a stable life makes sense. But for our generation who grew up in the West, it feels weird to be older and never to have dated before. It feels like you're missing out on experiences your peers have had, and you feel like you're way behind.
So that's why our parents think it's ok and even encouraged to have family and friends play matchmaker with people of similar age and ethnicity who might live hundreds of miles away and suggest you talk to them from a distance before even thinking about meeting in person.
Whereas the Western dating scene (which I believe in) is about making connections with people in your area and going on dates in person.
There is a middle ground, however, and that's online dating. You can online date people and find people who are hundreds of miles away without ever meeting in person. I've had a few Chinese American women contact me this way. But I just didn't feel like our mindsets and goals aligned. I was looking for someone to go out on dates with in person. I wasn't looking for a pen pal.
So the more I've been studying the Eastern and Western styles of dating, the more insights I've gained. And I've thought a lot about my identity as an Asian American. I'll continue to work on figuring myself out.
submitted by _-__-__-__-__-_-_-__ to AsianParentStories [link] [comments]

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